A Difficult Conversation..But One I Am Sharing to See Where It Goes To Help Each Other Hear 'Both Sides' of the Kavanaugh-Ford Situation

I posted a video  on Facebook about stopping gun violence in our country at Wilbur Cross High School in New Haven CT (which I happened to go to for my second year of high school..and sadly heard of a teacher being shot, in 1978, by a male student who had told him he would do that someday...and did years later is the story I recall even 40 years later. I will have to research that.) I will look for the link but maybe you will have to look it up to see that. It's worth viewing. This was my intro to that post.

Came across this looking to see if there was an alum page to reconnect with some students I knew after my first year after HVRHS... I was friends with the kids of Yale professors and even the Provost (in the late 1970s..) so hopefully they can put some effort into apologizing to the likes of Brett Kavanaugh's "alleged" victims and the era of 'knowing nothing and doing nothing' even if someone did learn of crimes.

Colleges were akin to private homes..and the 'real world' laws just didn't seem to apply to anything but in public..and even that was not taken seriously and mainly was violence against women and children. More good guys (or reformed ones from the sidelines) need to weigh in on these matters and Pledge to Make a Difference and An Apology of Action...and Yes, there's lots that folks can apologize for (to heal their own misguided journey) and get Back On Track to being team players for decency and even to save Pacha Mama (Mother Earth) before she's toast...

Sorry to be rather direct, but maybe the gun violence and Hollywood political criminal dramas that play out in DC and affect the country are supposed to Wake US All up to a Bigger Worry called Climate Change..Now the atmosphere warming 1.5 degrees LESS than what they thought would be a game-changer is being said to be Pretty Darn Bad...and likely to come by 2040 (not farther off as was projected...)

See more in the NY Times article I happened to read... and let's keep the momentum of realizing Youth Need to Lead since they'll be here more than most folks over 60 say in the next 20 years when it's a make or break scene... Sadly most older people get tired and most women were never empowered to make sense of politics or even community efforts...so there's Plenty To Do to let one another know It Takes a Village to save the world (and raise a child...)

Okay back to this timely challenging topic... ending gun violence...

Here (far below with MY CONTENDER from FB post) is a response I got regarding apologizing to Kavanaugh's Alleged Victims. I think a fund should be started to help them and others Tell Their Story To get help for themselves, and when appropriate to disclose names to authorities if there is any chance at real prosecution but maybe also a 'Just In Case' List so more evidence can be available should something happen of a criminal nature or if someone is seeking a job that would want to factor in such EVIDENCE.

Lots of it, please!! Right now there are no places to take such information down in a meaningful way. Maybe making it clear what would be helpful should be broadcast wide and clear, along with who can release such information (the victim and people she or he names but not necessarily with a Freedom of Information act type access. Likely a private company would have to do this. Whether information could be subpoened  ( ordered disclosed by the court or have to be reported if involving minors) would have to be clarified.

There's a lot to figure out to help PROTECT victims not endanger them further. There are already deep roots of 'honor killings' whereby various faiths and cultures instill fear and shame in people so if their family member or someone in their circle 'commits an offense' or moreover is a Victim of an Offense, they are injured if not put to death (or at the least socially and economically ostracized.) This kind of misery is likely a hold over from centuries of people trying to make sure women were not mistreated in terms of being raped or impregnated against social and economic norms.

Instead of insisting men control themselves and make sure there is real mutual consent (not just Not Saying No or Not Fighting Someone Off, but rather holding a higher standing of being accountable for actually being socially and economically engaged with a person in a fair manner (an even playing field, or clear terms to a relationship and plans for pregnancy or other outcomes that are clear, in writing and agreed upon without threat or force.)

That would mean having legitimate terms and counselors validate such terms (at least two and everything recorded to be 'above board.' Instead of That kind of accountability, religions, cultures and laws shifted the blame on the victim.

Making all women in general and others who might be attacked or tricked, such as children or people with special needs or mental health concerns, responsible for what a dominant male or other figure, including women, would think they could get away with or insist on.

Shaming victims of rape in some cultures includes harming them further. They believe them only too well and end up 'getting rid of the stain of sin.' In many states in the US the 'age of consent' is very young. If a man over 16-18 (depending on the state statutes) impregnates a woman, even in her teens, instead of being charged with rape, he can marry her and not have any legal consequences. In many states 'marital rape' was not recognized even though it was on the law books in 1970.

About ten years ago in 2008 one CT police officer said informally, "We've never arrested anyone who was married or even dating, because if they've had consensual sex, how can you know for sure it wasn't another time...?" Everything needs to be updated and clarified for the teens and even children of today as well as the women and men in the world. Everyone needs to know their rights and responsibilities (and Their Response-Abilities.)

We are currently needing to clarify The Primary Aggressor Law in CT so all police, counselors and the public, including victims and abusers could understand The NEW Playing Field. Maybe some abusers would actually want to know Before they Break the Laws also, They may have missed a few key life lessons whether from early childhood, teen or adult years.

No shame in seeking a GED in Reality for Safety and Not Getting Arrested or Harming or Killing Others and Oneself (which happens a third of the time if an abuser kills his victim(s) and victims may end their own lives and maybe that of their children in a desperate measure to not have him harm (sadly often rape) them. Talk about the modern miseries..we are on That topic now, so this is not for the rose-colored glasses only readers...I think that can include anyone over about age 35 too, since most of these topics simply were not discussed thoroughly with an eye toward PREVENTION which is my overall hope with this blog.

Not to live in a cave...but to take many more precautions and vet people (check them out from afar if possible before they are in one's life front and center in ways that can be overwhelming...for Anyone. The problem is Them Not You..and You can't get in their and rewire their brains or hearts... though there is an art  to survival which can include 'going along to get along' with many day to day, supervised or short term interactions. Being too close, physically, romantically (yes even with one's spouse or sweetheart) is not a given however...and riding in a car (especially with them driving can be dicey..as can be the case if anyone tricky is driving.) Okay so now that's a wide sweep of ideas to consider.

Again we'll look at things from various perspectives. There's being a clueless victim (most women and kids), then learning about boundaries and rights (a few lucky folks early in life,) having ways to protect yourself, having some support informally to do that, having more formal supports and information (see www.healingwolf.net), learning about laws that may benefit one for  orders of protection or restraining orders (but being aware that means NO CONTACT in some cases, and likely that is advisable even with lesser degrees on the protective order if it is granted.) Before that measure being aware of how to live in supportive ways with others outside of one's home or informed capable people in your home and work setting makes sense.

Playing cat and mouse games on many levels where worry and little blow ups seem the norm are things to watch for. Evan Stark spelled out for a large group of advocates and victims that the first arguments or violation of violence can set a tone that resonates for the rest of the relationship. What happened if there was violence or a demand for compliance-- or in general, who gave in and tried to make amends..the victim or the perpetrator? That pattern is often repeated even if there are times of interactions of a diffcult nature or more violence going back and forth.

The idea of an action then a reaction is one to keep in mind. If a victim hurts someone in self-defense or feeling threatened that is not the same thing as overpowering someone and hurting them to show them whose in control. Unfortunately many women can get stuck in patterns of difficulty for years, even when going to support groups and counselors where things are not often clearly explained as I'm trying to do here. Many states differ as to their rules of what options are available to women and victims. That become much more complicated when there are children involved. House Resolution 72 currently in the US Congress would clarify matters of custody by making the Safety of the Children foremost initially and granting custody of the children to alleged victims of violence.

Even with this important timely measure, if it passes in the Senate which would hopefully happen though with the recent Republican vote not necessarily so, many abusers would still likely go outside the law and take matters into their own hands. Women are still truly victimized far more than anyone takes the time to Help Them Understand. It is not her fault but As A Woman there are many hurdles centuries deep that need serious pondering and tons of support (have I said that before?) For men who are interested in getting clear about such things, consider NOMAS.org and The Mankind Project which has ways to help men rethink their roles in society as part of a team, not only as personal success. 

Helping everyone 'not over identify with their role as a sexual being' or 'with their role as someone's direct relative or a romantic or sexual partner' would be a helpful thing to review on many levels. It is particularly challenging to think of the realities and choices one has if reared in a  faith or culture that has strongly defined beliefs and practices as well as a lack of awareness of human rights or laws that pertain to their situation.

Here are some points about the alleged sexual assault victim Dr. Christine Blasey Ford and Supreme Court Nominee (and now Judge) Brett Kavanaugh who captured our national attention and got millions of conversations started about these critical issues and 'due process' or what matters when applying for a job (can a reference weigh in heavily even if not in court of law. Also if the FBI would not listen to more information about the Yale student who also is an alleged victim should that matter.

Could that information be shared 'after the fact' in a deposition to gather information or in a case against Yale for failure to protect? Maybe making headlines would move the ball down the field in The New Big Game with Yale and the rest of the world battling to do what's right, even if bit late in the game of life. In the end, some say it is all about HOW you play the game..not Who Wins. We need to evolve with love to obtain a more spiritual presence in our human journeys and learn to care about each person as though they were actually an extension of ourselves.

That's where the likes of Brett Kavanaugh could be given the invitation to 'Apologize and Step Down Voluntarily...realizing he too is 'only human' and in need of God's grace and if it's his belief, Christ's forgiveness. The firestorm of awakening into a spirit of deeper love and understanding of our human condition and the terms we are wanting to hold each other too would be advanced tremendously. We may even decide to Offer Him the Job Back after he got a lot of therapy, as would his family deserve. Sadly I have had to share that I do fear for his wife and daughters..and even if he had a son, him too, since I believe Dr. Ford and his other accusers. We can't gamble with innocent lives any longer.

In the US Congress House Resolution 72 says we have to Prioritize Children's Safety in any custody hearing..and basically the implication would be in every family, whether married or living together or not. When you know you may have a psychopathic abuser who has violated someone not just once (which would be a reasonable limit to err on the side of safety) but a few times, coupled with drinking issues that are not addressed, and who knows what else, a normal woman would Have to Seriously Take Steps to Protect Her Children and of course, herself as well. THAT Is not easy when there's a circus going on and church bells ringing "husband and wife for life." There needs to be an escape clause or exit clause which Everyone Would Understand is Highly Reasonable and Necessary. Living Apart, having intervention therapy, supervised visits (for the adults and then with the kids when it's really appropriate) would be idea.

The Kavanaugh's could set an example just a 'role models' for what to do Just In Case you had this level of concern come up. Actually Every Family could think of some 'safety planning' along these lines since most people have not had a way or reason to THINK ABOUT IT...what Would You Do in a serious situation when you learned of someone's past or present deviant if not criminal behavior?

What responsibility do you have to Yourself, Your 'qualifier' (to not enable and to help them not repeat and maybe get arrested or harmed by their next victim or their supporters?) and Your Children Or Pets or Others in 'striking range'. Having a gun in the house increases a woman's chance of being done in by an abuser she lives with many times over. Not wanting to get alarmist but the whole point is, Kavanaugh has given an ALARMING Testimony and we are now all officially awake to things that were taboo to speak about and basically the ball's in our court now.

We can't expect he would know what to do in terms of getting honest and making amends. He feels too threatened by that option but it would be 'the right thing to do' and likely he'd feel like a million bucks.  He may want to move to another country or live in a secure compound to think happy thoughts, hike the Appalachian Trail or work in homeless shelters in India. There's a Big World Out There and He could be part of the Soul-You-Tion for Millions of Men who also would like to Brave a Change.

Maybe they are actually bored to the gourd, confused and just looking for guidance. Maybe we all are..so should hear one another out..Then maybe we will know more of the mixed messaging that is plaguing progress. I think we all agree, things CAN and should get better sooner rather than later, especially in our 'first world' country with more freedom and wealth than most poor countries can dream about. What are we doing with our immense privilege? So here's the OTHER SIDE of the argument about the BK-BF (Brett Kavanaugh, Blasey Ford) controversy and Wake Up CALL FOR ALL!

 MY CONTENDER from FB Post: Apologize to Brett Kavanaugh's accusers? You have got to be kidding. Dr Ford could not even remember the date and the place. The woman with the security clearances changed her story after she spoke up the first time. There no credible evidence of anything happening in Brett Kavanaugh's case. Time to move on and prosecute real cases of abuse.

MY RESPONSE: Hi .. I realize this is a difficult issue and we were thinking there was a court case going on... There wasn't..more like a reference for a job, and Dr. Ford was not giving him a very glowing recommendation. The Time Has Come to Want to Learn about What Really Happens to a Person when he, she, they, pets and so on are abused. IF by chance you don't know if you have been a victim, unfortunately that may not mean you actually were...

So No One, not Brett Kavanaugh nor President Trump or your local homeless person or a Yale anything can tell you for certain whether they were a victim. It could have been a one-off as some say... a caregiver doing something egregious.

Even necessary exams can feel abusive so there's plenty of room for anyone, especially women, but also many children and others of all genders and orientations, to be familiar with having something confusing or violating happen.

Even if you are not one of the main statistic, you could still afford compassion to those who do know they were (whether they recall since the time it happened or later after not knowing or recalling it, particularly in terms of date and time or place...but Person (and there is room for confusion there possibly if someone is very young, but not likely the case with a teen who says s/he knew the person. Try to do this as an educational exercise and ...and LISTEN to what they are saying.

Pretend you are a therapist in a play and Read the script back to them that says "It's okay to tell of your experience. You are safe now. It is not your fault. Even if you were groomed or otherwise put in compromising situations, were younger or even older than the person. 

There are factors of intimidation and control that can be deceptive. If you were too young to give consent and didn't even know you had a right to consent or refuse, that's not your fault either, but shows the path that much abuse can occur in. 

Nothing will happen to you or the abuser (remember this is a play and maybe the abuser and their cohorts are a thing of the past... but that is actually the very difficult part of all of this... an Abuser Does Not Act In A Vacuum most of the time.

They can be rather popular and connected through school, work or social ties of family and friends. Much like Brett Kavanaugh they can look great on the outside but have some rotten spots on the inside or have had struggles that they acted out on others.

No one is perfect and thankfully he did not harm someone and do away with the evidence which can happen all too often. Studies have been done that say it's rare for someone to make this stuff up.

If Kavanaugh is religious (I need to research but I assumed he was Catholic...maybe due to his school name), then he should not be lying . But likely it's really confusing to him if he did do what Dr. Ford alleged and which most of the country believed happened. 

Sadly the biggest victims we can all pray for now in addition to our entire country are his own family members. They are not in an easy spot. The mother of the girls could be deemed 'at failure of risk to protect' from someone who has been accused of a serious abuse in the past. The mother would not want to learn that 'the woman was telling the truth' by suffering a similar episode or worse, having her girls or any others in her circles of care and connection experience.

It seems Brett K could have his job or his family, but after all that surfaced, not both...and really his family should be protected and educated about what they have likely experienced so far living with someone who distorts and covers the truth to such an extent..even IF they never picked up on that degree of his way of being before. ..

.How much more Tragedy Center Stage are we supposed to witness as helpless US Citizens...something so 'personal and yet impacting the foundation of our country'...) not even that long after the 9-11 likely scandal (and again every patriot or devoted American should be more than ready to try to understand if that were all a hoax, such as on noliesradio.org)

MY CONTENDER: First, as I said previously, assaulting anyone is wrong and it reaches the level of criminal behavior then it should be fairly prosecuted. I also can honestly state I have never assaulted anyone. Regardless of whether this is a court case, a job interview, or anything else, Brett Kavanaugh is innocent until proven guilty. That is one of the basic principles of our legal system in this country. There is no credible proof that he did anything.

As I said, Dr Ford either cannot or will not remember even the date or the place. No one who knows her can remember either. So with not even basic information to start an investigation with, this is a non-credible case. As far as my being a victim even if I don't remember being a victim, that concept is just way off in liberal loony land and has no basis in reality. Finally, yes, there are victims in this. That would be Brett Kanavaugh and his family who were mistreated by a bunch of Democratic Senators who will lie and scheme to avoid seeing another conservative judge in the Supreme Court.