Facing Sudden Kinds of Loss and that 'Worst Outcome' of Death...sometimes with no way to say goodbye
With so many people struggling and others having people close to them pass, maybe this can be of some solace...The whole field of 'approaching difficult topics, piecing things out enough to begin to process the array of feelings and beliefs, figuring out who can help with what and ways to allow for making plans to make it through challenges over a span of time...are all important skills and needs to address.
I hope more people are finding help to prevent 'downward spirals' of despair and difficulty. Yet if someone is facing an end of life matter that seems the natural course of things, allowing and accepting that is also important to provide support for with better conversations and help on many levels..not only medical or professional people but meaningful community and encouragement for learning to relax, breathe and process things a little at a time.
There was an unusual passing of a teen named Kris from Torrington CT, part of our family's legacy only a half hour away. He was the same age as our son Kaelan Alexander Palmer Paton when he passed on Tuesday, June 16th, 2009 after finishing his first year of high school.
The story in the Republican-American CT newspaper explained that Kris' father Alex knew his son wasn't feeling well, but after a few days of on-and-off neck pain and a headache, the doctor only recommended taking ibuprofen.
After he told his father he felt well enough for him to return to work and was resting, Kris got up and gave his father a hug and told him he loved him so much. His father said, "Son, don't say that. It feels you are saying goodbye to me."
An hour later his wife (who I would like to learn the name of but it wasn't in the paper) called him to tell him Kris collapsed. The ambulance took him to the hospital on Tuesday, April 14th, 2020 and was in a coma, passing on April 21st, 2020.
The difficulties of bidding a loved one an earthly farewell particularly with little warning, whether from an illness, injury, accident or other turn of events, some related to drug effects or misuse of substances, heartbreak over relationships or other life situations can take a long time to process.
The sad reality also is that sometimes it is advised or the case that one may not be able to see the deceased. In my experience, I had advice not to see our son again. One psychic has shared a message from our son's spirit that he didn't want his family to see him when he was found a week later, having been in the river which he lost his life in trying to save a friend.
He had rescued two others before going in for the third, who thankfully was saved. Kaelan Palmer Paton's memorial service in on youtube, and was held in July of 2009, only 10 days before his grandfather, folksinger Sandy Paton, passed at age 80. In a way the service was a beautiful way to pay tribute to Sandy and Caroline, Kaelan's grandmother.
She passed last spring, in March of 2019. Along with my parents, Dale and Mary Palmer Srs., who died in 2007 and 2004 respectively, along with other relatives and friends, I feel Kaelan and the others in spirit are looking out for us and helping many in our rural area (MA,NY CT corner and online and with other parts of our social networks, in many parts of the world as well.
With more people coping with the high number of losses and challenges with transitions, more may find some comfort in watching our son Kaelan Paton's memorial service held to celebrate the gift of life.
Kaelan's service (in small segments) is on youtube.com has many lovely aspects of paying tribute to the human care for one another, special skills and great love that make life all the more worth living.
Sadly his passing came on the heels of being apart from him for the most part for a few years due to legal matters that were not being well-orchestrated and should not have been so taxing on our family on many levels.
Ideally more people will learn to have trained, skilled advocates to avoid such complications. I pursued a great deal of learning and advocacy because of that experience and have great compassion for anyone facing challenges in their personal lives, legal matters or being apart from their children at any stage of life, but particularly when it seems unwarranted, unsafe or otherwise challenging.
A huge wave of advocacy much like what was 'cooked up over the Corona Virus 19 situation, whether accurate or a big over the top, could inform many deficiencies in our society regarding the health and well-being of all people physically, emotionally, mentally or otherwise.
The practical needs to live and have housing and other basics could keep being addressed as though Everyone Matters and Deserves Respect, including 'interventions if breaking the law or harming others or even themselves and putting others in danger.' There will always be many 'who cannot be reigned in' to some kind of 'normal and fair' given people's abilities. Many are left out in the dark or otherwise dismissed for lack of a relatively small matter.
The cost of picking up the pieces after things become 'out of control' can be very high and likely were preventable. Hopefully all children can have more support and parents and teachers and others informed what the appropriate ways to interact and care for children, educate and feed them is.
Unfortunately things like vaccines are not even being discussed honestly yet may be impacting children 'for life' without parents, or even doctors, fully informed...and ways to make things more reasonable or appropriate based on accurate science.
I know that's a controversial topic to even discuss, but there's a need for everyone to feel things are being updated and honest when it comes to how anyone, especially children, are being mandated to have vaccines or other treatments.
I hope we can have more organized outreach efforts for all family, friends and community members since more is possible in these modern times to address matters and show support even with online and new networks.
Part of this blog Livfully.org has sought to 'fill this gap.' Of course much more is needed and many also offer ideas yet more personal connection (even online) can be helpful to access and track help and grow community.
I will hold this Torrington family in my prayers at this time, adding to others I know who have lost a son to a car accident injury recently and yet another from a few years ago from another motor vehicle collision.
We can all do a lot more to drive with safety in mind on a regular basis (planning ahead to allow for time, not going too fast, being aware of conditions even of wet leaves, rain, fog and things like not having younger people drive independently until there have been many months of supervised outings and ideally with others in the car which can be distracting.)
I have reflected on other ways to consider planning out one's day, interactions, relationships and support teams and getting things done on other posts.
"May those on the other side feel our love and us theirs...when it's family and close friends the 'invisible becomes real' and hopefully those in our lives can feel our love while alive.
We are not all the same, but humans have hearts that beat for a common greater purpose, to belong, to live, to love, to heal.
When there are breaks in that trust maybe it's likely due to some real long-term stress, pattern or a sudden break in 'the laws that govern this realm."--Catherine Palmer Paton
