Rats:Have you ever "pulled a reverse" (blamed someone for something you did when you hurt them?)

A combo (make that a megacombo) of stories from various aspects of situations to highlight not only a complex 'pulling of a reverse' wherein one person insults another then blames them for bringing the situation on, and getting what they deserved. Ever had that happen to you or do that to someone else? That is Typical behavior or a strategy by many people with a drug or alcohol problem or mental illness or personality disorder such as bipolar or borderline or schizoaffective disorder.

Those are often linked but for now, we'll set the overall scene of what can happen to any parent for various reasons (primarily divorce but also care levels of not supervising or caring enough for a child and a list of complaints or even rumors, not complying with medical dictates and much more elusive reasons most never even hear about.)  Let's call our characters Ann and Bil in their 40s, and both are sober and intelligent and basically caring parents, though Bill has hit some bumps in the road and has been isolated in many ways with questionable episodes of mistreating his only child.

One evening, a mother  named Ann was pushing two children of a friend on  swings at Bill's house. Bill was a casual friend who allowed for such use of the swings since his only child, a daughter Sarah whom he had primarily raised, had been taken from his care a few months prior due to concerns in care. Bill was single and had raised her since Sarah was born with some help intermittently from the mother and her family.

Bill came out of his house and showed Ann and the kids some baby photos he had found of his young, grade-school daughter Sarah. One of the kids then told Bill that his only child  Sarah said her Mom was pregnant with her boyfriend's baby.  That took  Bill by surprise and he wanted to ask a lot of questions in a curious, friendly manner at first but 'didn't know where to begin".

Bill does not see Sarah due to some legal matters based in part on mistreating her emotionally and somewhat otherwise. He does not acknowledge any of that and knows she has very mixed if not mostly negative feelings about him. Still he feels hugely misunderstood and  misses her.

 Bill then tells one of the kids to let his daughter know that he loves her very much and asks if the child will be sure to do so. The child agrees, then  Ann says, "well let's get going inside for supper' after telling Bill who had filled her in on the situation a few months ago. Ann was concerned about where things were going because Bill is not allowed contact with his daughter (and likely not through a third party--particularly if a child --or Bill could run the risk of having such orders be put in place if matters were troubling in anyway possibly) . Ann said she could talk to him another time but that it'd be best to not involve the kids in 'adult matters' and to not ask the child to relay messages.

Bill got very upset and said, "Why not?!" The adult said, "It gets tricky, at school the teachers have to keep track of what's going on." Both knew this was the case which played a big role in the separation.

Bill then said, "What's "Tricky" about Loving My Daughter?!!" 

Ann realized  that Bill was not able or willing to stop talking about the matter further. He seemed to be jumping to conclusions based on what he Thought Ann was saying or maybe he misheard her. He was taking things out of context or linking pieces of what she was saying together in a new way  that was not intended.

But he was not interested in what Ann really said or wanted to talk about. She was hoping to maintain appropriate boundaries (in large part from years of learning about such things on a regular basis..the power of courts and the way they can rule communications of any kind between family members but others as well, with 'contempt of court' threats if not followed.) 

When Ann had tried to talk on the phone or in person with Bill about the challenges he was facing, he  had clearly asked that she not be pressing to talk with him or be involved in the situation.

Just before learning about the pregnancy, Bill had said he did not think Sarah was getting good dental or medical care or maybe did not have coverage.

Ann wanted to leave quickly.Maybe Bill  was feeling hurt  or surprised about the news about a new sibling for his daughter. Bill called his former partner and her family  a derogatory name to Ann, expecting her to completely take her word on this even though they were now caring for Sarah regularly. Ann knew Sarah was doing well in school and saw her now and then to know she was fine.

Bill continued talking to the kids after Ann asked him to stop. Even after she stood between Bill and the children, Bill insisted he had a right to talk to them and to tell the older one to tell his daughter he would get an attorney and be setting things in order. After a few moments of raising his voice and being direct with Ann, he walked away, yelling a bit more and trying to insult  Ann as a parent.

The next morning Ann called the Bill to see if he'd want to go over things and talk on the phone. Bill said 'you had absolutely no right to block me from telling someone I loved my daughter! You were rude, and you are no longer to come on my property or keep me from being where I wanted to be on my property (telling me to leave the kids alone or go away, which may have been the case). You were completely out of line!" That was so surprising for Ann to hear that it almost seemed funny. Those were the exact words she would have wanted to say if she had the gumption or knack for saying such things.

But she realized then and there that Bill would be unwilling to listen just as she had been the prior evening, so Why Bother? (Later viewing a video of a family that tortured a girl with 'discipline' of putting her in a box and not feeding her--ultimately causing her death--the tips from the Phoenix AZ news site said 'if you see something troublesome', realize it likely is a pattern. We also know that 'episodic violence can also harm a child on many levels, so that is why I share this 'true story with details changed'. This could be Any of US in terms of within the human condition. We need to WANT to BE Self-Aware and monitored by others as well to see if we are actually living (and loving) appropriately.

The mind is great at 'mind-games' but in the end, too many people suffer longterm or land in jail for hurting or ending the life of someone they once loved or lived with or could have simply moved away from. The tragedy of 'honor killings' plays out for thousands of women who are killed by family members. Those killers 'who Believe they are maintaining their Family Honor'--on religious or cultural/ social grounds, are then readily forgiven even in courts if it is ever brought to court. Even rapes by strangers can be a death sentence for a girl who is considered 'shameful' to the family for  being violated'.

If there is a cultural continuum of the human experience and spirit, we desperately need more sane, caring women to watch out for each other around the world. The tragedy of female harm done by their own mothers and relatives was discussed on www.npr.org today where reports of 90% of women in Egypt and most in Africa altogether suffer the risk of mutilation to keep them submissive and ensure they have painful childbirths. Sorry to type that out, but as this is the passing day of Maya Angelou who wrote about such miseries she survived as a youth when her mother's boyfriend or more accurately, her mother's abuser raping her as a child and working as a teen mother later on as a prostitute and other odd jobs to make ends meet before eventually becoming a college professor and acclaimed writer. She had gone to church extensively and learned not only  to sing hymns but loved the preaching she heard and had a good education. But back to the American saga...

 Basically, Bill  'pulled a reverse' and blamed Ann for her inappropriate actions. Bill felt he was the victim even though he had been attacking others verbally and 'asking' that a child do what he felt entitled to request. When Bill met resistance he did not make room for a Difference of Opinion on the matter and allow for another way or time to discuss the matter. Bill insisted on his own terms being honored. He did walk away, to his credit, but with hostility toward Ann and therefore also toward the children. Abuse does not happen in a vacuum. This episode could be grounds for a report of abuse because it happened in front of children (and even involved them). 

The take-away for most people in these situations could be that there are 'two sides' to every situation to some extent, but that does not make them 'fair and equal'. There is right and wroing when it comes to boundaries, and there are various 'stages' a conflict can play out. The savvy learner will want to research more about the dynamic of someone hurting or violating another's rights then Blaming them for it at the time and even afterwards. What happens 'in the heat of the moment'  during a conflict is Predictably Unpredictable! Many emotions get churned up, beliefs shoot through one's mind and seem to need defending or inventing.

Past experiences often come charging in as though some kind of musical production of 'don't forget about the music hits of the decades, but the song and dance numbers are really about prior emotional duals and brainstorms of neuronal activity that have left an indelible mark on one's psyche. There is a helpful resource www.mindmattershypnosis.com which describes the various mental states of awareness we have when awake, sleepy, really alert or sleeping. We are 'all over the map' during the day as our brain waves process information or feelings. During a conflict it's not unlike a thunderstorm (like the one which had rolled through the area only a half hour before the conflict on the swings occurred). 

We don't talk about these things in part because it is hard to 'go back to the problem' and 'be accurate about what one was feeling or what was happening for each person and all involved'. There is a higly unpredictable factor at play in conflicts when two or more people are in the same physical area and talking directly to each other. The way to 'disarm' the level of conflict is to walk away, or even better, not get too close in the  first place with Anyone who may be unstable or unable to 'play fairly' whether with words or actions. Rescheduling or planning to talk on the phone with a third party listening in and playing referee or mediator could be a reasonable plan. Even then, the troubles can rear their handsome heads, almost like in a beauty contest for biggest troublemaker. Is it the actual 'problem' or is it the people that are creating or keeping a problem going? Could it be a mix?

As people aim to live in peace and harm-not-me, what game rules could come into play for ALL Adults, Parents, Teens and Kids? How about some national websites for ways to handle 'everyday problems' like taking turns in the bathroom (for washing up after people have each had a turn to use the toilet, etc). How about  sharing chores  such as doing dishes (each to their own, or one person per night, or teams of two sharing the load as they choose each day)?  Money management is harder, with some saying things should be split fairly regardless of how much people earn and others say it needs to be more in sync with what each earns (a fair percentage having each person pay or otherwise chip in with work or other agreements to balance things out.) The Laws regarding Child Support could readily by referenced as a guide for ALL PARENTS so one person does not deprive a spouse or child from basics because they control all the money (their own or even all in the family).

That Concept likely could prevent many problems. Every state varies in its rules however about who really has ownership of their income and assets (and debts) if either living together in a common law arrangement, having a child with someone--in the same house or not, legally married or otherwise involved with each other (step parenting, grandparents, and even rights of significant adults in a child's life). By the time all the fine print is worked out, children could be grown and off on their own! The significant GAPS in laws and rules between courts, schools, faith groups and other significant parties such as families and interests cause unnecessary stress.

The more clear everyone could be about ALL the KINDS of CARE each person needs to live, learn, work, play, rest and network, as well as travel to work, school and certain other basics the less 'guess work' would be needed and  the less 'mess and stress' would be created. Actually trying to HELP EACH OTHER comprehend the many rules to live by to care for oneself and others in one's circle is a great business plan and game plan, and frankly, a lot of WORK. Many aspects of our systems work at Cross Purposes inadvertently or for other strange or inane reasons. (Remember this is a MegaCombo of stories and reflections'...feel free to comment on one or more themes.)

There is no good reason to not really help each other get clear on many of these points. It's like learning how to walk properly to prevent harm to one's body over time. We don't even do that actually. Same with 'go to bed before 10:30 so one is really Asleep between 11p and 1am (Zi time). Again, no clue of what to do even when we're 'not supposed to be doing anything'. We could all have a hearty laugh about how much we missed along the way, the knots we've gotten ourselves into and the complicated journey we'll have to take individually and collectively just to 'get back to Square One and simplicity with a few basic human rights of safety, sanity, and sensible living.

Everyone should have a safe place to sleep alone at least once a week or more just to remember they are free individuals. The lights seemed to have been turned off for many who marry and have kids..that 'they are stuck, that there's no way to survive or to get out alive or financially --is there a difference for many in the cold climates? What about a human right to a safe warm place to sleep Every Night? We still don't have that down for women and kids fleeing for their safety, so how could we help people in less dire states?

We need to WARN WOMEN Of the Statistics that say 'like breast cancer, you are at a much greater risk for harm from men if you are female, espeically if you are involved in a personal relationship and y-o-u-n-g. Is it the maleness or mainly the Testosterone? Who is trying to sort all of this out? Oh, that would be Nobody not even Nobuddy. But I'm trying here and really there are advocates climbing walls fuitlely like rats trying not to drow in a garbage can with more water they can swim in.

That's a sorry image (and my apologies to those it offends particularly Buddhists of others, even myself...), but one that comes to mind since I heard of someone 'doing away with rats' by setting up a garbage can with water in it, and having a sheet of plastic secured over it with a ramp up to it and some bacon hanging above it. There were slits in the plastic and oil on it, so they'd basically be left to slip through and meet their end.

This is a brutal and sad situation to here of but so is a rat infestation of a home. Digging around the foundation of a building and putting down small strong metal mesh a bout 18" down along the foundation and folded out about a foot so they cannot dig down under it once its buried again is another option. Still, the rats may not be able to exit safely and would likely find another place nearby to live or try to get into the home via the gutters, etc. There's no easy way.

With the first, the rats could be left out in nature for other animals if that's an option. Another idea is to have them land in peanut butter  to slow them down and just capture and release them far, far away (across a few rivers and a few hours away maybe with a pickup truck). A more playful idea is to make a cage for them to play in and trap them in there with hopes of finding a science lab who would then collect them.

Could be a big business. But overall it is not easy to think of and really rats can be friendly types of critters among themselves. Perhaps they are here in part to teach us to live more decently as human beings since they set a high bar for sharing and living in close quarters..If rats can do that, why can't we aspire to living in harmony?

This is hopefully not a problem now but could be as climate change shifts. Poisons can harm any animals that eat the rats  or pets that may find the rats too. So there are dilemmas besides learning to communicate and create reasonable game plans, accepting the various challenges and gifts of different stages of life. These were a lot of serious thoughts and messages but hopefully for those able to benefit or consider them they will be helpful as 'all part of the dream we live called L-IF-E (life, but let US-All remembe the IF and work it!)