Responding to the COVID19 Crisis with More Community Support for Many Kinds of Challenges (in relationships, life and even death)
Thanks Great Barrington MA for sharing on FB that the town leaders are keeping in touch to address many of the current challenges the community is facing due to the March 2020 COVID19 mandates and realities. I shared a positive experience from February 2020 in the 3/20/20 copy of The Lakeville Journal of CT--which has free archives online and can be found through The Scoville Library of SalisburyI have written many letters over the decades about education, domestic abuse, advocacy, permaculture, dealing with loss of a teen, family member or friend or other person even such as Princess Diana or Mother Teresa.
After 2007, there were a few years of articles regarding the difficult and sad sitution of Tom Drew, 91 with dementia, who went missing from his home and was not found. His daughters who did extensive advocacy were mainly were promoting the need for immediate investigation of a home and people caring for an elder even without clear evidence of any harm or crime committed.
Even though they have never publicly considered that events played out as described consistently by me, they raised important questions that still could likely be clarified for the public's benefit as well as their own. There could be more of a community response as well showing care and support for their experience--and even our own with my ties to that time and another challenge of losing our teen son a couple or years later, and clear efforts to help others suffer that kind of difficulty. That would be reasonable as would more education about the risks of someone wandering who has dementia and clarifying terms for supervising minors and promoting safety in many basic ways.
I wrote to the papers about those matters as well even after giving extensive depositions, since I was his caregiver. Even though t's been a long time, more caring consideration of these particular events and other types of 'gray areas' could use clarification in every state and country. In addition, condolences to all suffering such losses could be more of a community-minded endeavor perhaps with a team formed with people from various agencies or volunteers (even online) to do outreach over time to see how people are faring initially and over the weeks, months and even years after such challenges. Help for those in the response teams and medical and even undertaker fields may be appropriate too. Pretty much every role in society can have its stressors whether as a caregiver or being too isolated (such as some farmers and others facing hard labor for years experience.) Finding a 'reason to tell someone one's problems or business' shouldn't be so difficult.
Maybe there is a lot one could do to ease a situation and find support without much difficulty. Preventing overloads and crises is much wiser and helpful than dealing with the aftermath of overload and escalation. Even in the criminal world 'de-escalation policies' are being explored to keep things from becoming violent in many situations. Likely much of that could apply to interpersonal relationships. As a counselor offered, 'the pillars of respectful relationships are safe communication and safe boundaries'. If those are not in place and upheld. there is not a reasonable basis for a respectful relationship. No one should be compromising on their ability to be safe or able to communicate needs, wants, and feelings repectfully."
These clarifications can help more people 'self-check' and learn emotional intelligence and ways to process feelings. These ideas are explored in HeartMath Experience, a new video available on gaia.com and with others on youtube. Taking ten minutes a day (a few at the beginning, at meal times and before going to sleep) to quietly breathe and feel connected to the greater good, nature and the planet as well as any other support can help remind a person (or even small group of people or more online) that 'we are not alone' and we share common values of decency and mutual respect as a human species. That is what the traditions and laws of most countries reflect and women and children the world over tend to strive for, as well as most healthy, balanced men.
There may be a time for fighting to defend 'life and liberty' but the need for violent action should be a very remote 'last resort' in this modern day and age, especially in first world countries. Teams of people in every community would be helpful to form well in advance of needing support emotionally, psychologically, economically, and otherwise with more layers of not only volunteers but many practical self-empowering efforts to learn to ask for help and be open to coaching in this classroom of life.
Often youth have learned to identify and regulate emotions more readily than the adults in their lives. Even young children can be coaches for people who have not have a clear invitation to learn to monitor and regulate their emotions and explore their thought process, beliefs (shoulds and shouldn'ts of how life should play out based on one aspect of life, justice, economics, gender, parenting status or other lens.) Many people explain things away in vague or sweeping terms or 'don't want to talk about it.' That is a choice but that doesn't mean the entire community shouldn't Think Out Loud A Little More (or A Lot More.) Much of what I do on this livfully.org blog forum is explore many questions and topics in depth and make connections or offer ideas to save people having to cover that stretch of ground. Ideally many more insights and programs could be developed as part of a fresh start and way of living that more people could adapt as seems helpful.
Requests for apologies (verbal, written, witnessed and otherwise) and apologies of actions (whether economic, action and advocacy-oriented, having more community support and programs etc) could be requested and shared to help inform people of reasonable, related and respectful responses to situations from the past or present (and even anticipate guidelines for voluntary responses in the future, such as community service and fines to by paid to victims of harm, loss or conflict as well as to first responder agencies by those involved in a problem with fundraising or other direct means of support.)
These kinds of suggestions could help youth and young adults 'think twice' about risk-taking and even inform their parents that there is a responsibilty for what one allows a minor offspring to do. At a minimal written permission for taking a youth out o fthe immediate area (or even travelling with another adult would be appropriate) and have provisions that the mother in particular be informed, especially if the children are not living with her full time unless she specifically declines that action. Further, anyone who drinks or uses drugs regularly (even proscribed medications that could affect their driving or has a serious medical issue that may affect their driving) should be willing to disclose that information to other families who they may be assisting with driving or supervising youth.
In addition if someone has guns in their home, that should be disclosed to guests, particulalry parents of children who may be visiting there. In general unless there is a clear need for overnight visits, those should be closely monitored by a mother or other responsible female in these modern times. I would think most men would find this a reasonable precaution and be fine with that, ideally having some women in their life to accommodate that standard. Any adult intimacy should be clearly kept private in terms of in a locked bedroom and with appropriate sound coverage whether music or being respectful of others in the home, whether young or old.
The idea of setting clear privacy levels is again one that a state and community could explore on practical levels, providing some ideas and guidelines to give each person in a household respect in terms of some private space (at least a tote box or two if sharing rooms due to lack of space as is common urban settings or small apartments.) Room dividers and 'dressing rooms' made from makeshift closet rails or shelving can allow people a greater sense of privacy, as can time in a bathroom witha door or at leeast a curtain (should someone only be able to use a commode for instance) to change or use a commode if that is the only option.
With more people living together, making a second makeshift bathroom with a commode maybe a helfpul idea. In a pinch, someone can use a small plastic garbage pail or even a plastic container like a yogurt container or something larger along those lines with a cover if there are 'bathroom needs' that come up. Same with having such an option in one's car for children or to use when out and about and there are no public restrooms (but maybe finding a private corner or again helping a child in one's care. Having soap and washclothers, a bottle of water and such would be a good idea along with some extra bags for wet items.))
These are practical needs the world over and 'whatever can help one feel more secure' about getting through times of the day, at home or when out and about, the better. An extra change of clothes, money and such packed if needing to travel suddenly to help someone or to have in the car with supplies for children etc or elderly can make a lot of sense. Extra food, toothbrushes, swim suits and towels in the car in bag makes a lot of sense (when and if it's safe to be out swimming or outdoors with good supervision for safety for all.)
What can one do when help is needed in an emergency of any kind? Perhaps an online site would be helpful for a list of quick things to do for people to study in advance with local and state online groups. The better informed one is, the more readily one can obtain appropriate help. In many places, texting tips and requests for help is also allowed. The logistics can take a while to figure out and keep updated over the years. In CT Womens Support Services based in Sharon CT serves the northwest corner area for safety needs for victims of domestic abuse. They have an annual fundraiser called Trade Secrets which is about gardens and garden tours that is widely supported by the community.
Many similar efforts to raise funds for non-profits through donations, raffles, events and programs keep a community engaged and informed about basic services and provide programs in the arts, sports, music, theatre and more. Chore Services helps older people stay in their homes with household help and non-medical care. There are many services in each area that could be promoted for other areas and states to emulate or expand with their networks such as done by Salisbury Visiting Nurses of CT which serves people in NY and MA as well for instance.
The most recent letter I wrote to the editor of the Lakeville Journal was about a trip I was able to take out West to see family and friends, the amazing sites including the Grand Canyon, and take special programs. I encourage people to recount their life experiences, trips and experiences locally to appreciate that and trust we will find a new normal and a return to a more regular time at some point.
. This new challenge is as much mental as physical to stay in a positive safe mindset. This post covers a lot of ground, so pace oneself as may be helpful so not overwhelmed. The information here can be referenced and shared as needed. Thanks to all in the 'front line' of keeping the medical, civil and basic services in place.
Particularly impressive is the outreach schools are doing to give families (students) food as requested, even delivered! Thanks to all the volunteers stepping up and making life as normal and safe as possible. Everyone helping a few others is a way that the burdens can be shared. Maybe people in a similar area (the same road, building, block etc) could have an email list and share in some shopping or other errands to conserve energize and minimize interactions.
There are more ideas and share resources on this blog livfully.org...an independent voluntary effort I have shared for a number of years. If people are so inclined to help support this effort, I accept donations at paypal.me/CathPalmPaton. I was inspired to brave asking for support since I realized The Lakeville Journal has moved to a membership support model to raise 100K yearly to cover 1/10th of its million dollar budget annually.
I have been sharing and doing a lot of advocacy to fill in gaps of knowledge for many decades, and could use support to pay basic bills as well. I aim to share much of what I learn online and in life to help more people appreciate the many wonderful offerings locally over the years in the tri-corner area from Poughkeepsie and Vassar College in NY to Great Barrington MA, Torrington CT (The Warner Theatre) and of course the northwest corner of CT (Falls Village, North Canaan and Cornwall, Salisbury, Sharon and Kent). I have cared for many elderly people and youth, taught phys ed and been a recreation director, lived at a natuer center and helped start a nursery school (Morning Song), homeschooled and been part of a lot of wonderful social groups from family and friends through high school, faith groups and caregiving trainings (CNA, Home Health Aid, hospice and end of life doula, police-community training, permaculture for gardening and social networking, domestic abuse prevention and advocacy nationally and more.)
The local schools, libraries, faith and arts groups enrich the everyday social interactions and community services, particularly for fire and ambulance support, larger events, carnivals and parades, community dinners and more. The restaurants, grocery stores, family support groups like CHP (Community Health Programs),public and private schools, daycares, and independent networking groups such as Walking Our Talk (WOT), 4H, Scouts, sports, music and arts normally keep people engaged. To have many key frameworks transition to online and not interacting physically is a huge shift that likely needs new terms and consideration. I am sharing reflections here in this post about the current situation in light of past similar challenges, some sudden and some that lasted over time with a lot of relevance for today.
. Some of the recent posts on this blog livfully.org include a reminder of the difficulty our tri-corner area has lived through a decade ago in 2009 when school was letting out for the year, with the passing of our teen son Kaelan (Alexander Palmer) Paton, as well as a time of when a man with dementia wandered from his home even when a caregiver was in the home with him (there should have been a locked gate around the doorways, alarms on the doors and a cell phone on him in a vest or other GPS tracker for instance.)
Our son's passing was on the heels of allowing minors to be off on their own, even though agreements among some of the key parents had precluded that kind of outing to the river. The group was on bicycles without adults in the mix and they thought to be 'funny and block a truck from passing them'.
That person could have found a way to 'name names' and stop them from their fun that day, but sadly didn't want to have to play tough guy that day. Most people wouldn't do that... yet that could have prevented the few hours of being at a dangerous river and our son drowning trying to save his friends.
There are dozens of lessons to learn and new standards to follow voluntarily for monitoring Ourselves and Minors, Elders and Others...and in way this virus situation is putting us all to task with that for health.
We can also fine tune it for living in safety with reasonable agreements that are kept (and ideally put in writing...which I will start to spell out so everyone can start to chime in and fine tune for their area, groups and so forth.)
Anyone who has been through a custody dispute can weigh in on what 'is fair' if both parties are safe and particularly if willing to be supervised if there are any concerns to maintain contact with their children. If there are abuse concerns, as Safe & Together Institute recommends and teaches around the world, victims should be kept with their children.
Generally many social service and legal practices have 'blamed the victim' and allowed the abuser to keep children from her (the main pattern).
Battered Mothers Custody Conference and other professionals have found troubling patterns with many professionals in the field not knowing,doing or coordinating efforts to keep women and children safe. In any time of challenge or change, keeping children 'safe and together' with their mothers or primary caregiver is an effective strategy for better health and care on many levels whether due to climate problems, war or other challenges.
Abuse is a human rights issue, not a personal relationship matter. The entire community can become more aware of the dynamics over generations that inform laws and practices as well as the needed resources for safety and security long-term to help women and children 'get out safely' and find ways to live sustainably for months and years to come.
The kind of 'support and relief packages that are being discussed' to help our country now could do double duty and help more victims find a safe exit strategy with supervised visits for abusive parents (mainly fathers) who are willing and able to complete recommended therapies voluntarily (not necessarily only required after breaking the law, harming others or themselves as can happen in such cycles.)
These ideas are not discussed in mainstream media in regular ways, so many serious situations and entrenched problems with the systems remain hidden from the public eye and concern.
Why not show how much we really care about one another and bring out full effort to educating the public about resources and concerns regarding abuse in relationships of all kinds, whether in a family, social group, work place, college, military or other setting. One silver lining from this full court press concern about COVID19 is that everyone is being 'held accountable' theoretically for how they are living and interacting with others.
Let's look at what CA Protective Parents, LundyBancroft.com and others are sharing even from a more inspired set of ideas about 'changing realities and boosting immune systems' such as GreggBraden.com and appreciate that 'we may be immortal' with insights from Marc Anthony (psychic attorney) books and many talks on youtubes from mediums and thinkers about consciousness continuing beyond the physical realm.
There are many inspiring talks on health and social networking as well, all of which can help with our overall climate change concerns and dealing with 'new realities' and ways to respond with a greater sense of wisdom and care, healing and less fear and punishment.
Ideally people would be much better informed and prepared about being in close relationships, having a child (or more kids), getting legally married or living together and so on with voluntary videos and quizzes about various social, economic, health and care-giving skills and ways to learn and grow over time with support rather than isolate and demand people comply with set demands (whether oneself, others in one's circle whether adult or child and so on, being willing to have some coaching or look at online resources to 'double check' that one is thinking and acting fairly, legally and with accountability.)
Thanks for considering these points which could also help prevent people from smoking, drinking and doing drugs earlier on with regular education and support to learn to deal with their emotions and life experiences, gain confidence and have monetary and other support to live and share during important transitions through childhood, teen years, early adult and more mature adult years.
We're never too young or old to need friends and accountability teams. Thanks for everyone learning and leaning in at this time to make a more responsive and capable community network (even with the isolating social spaces guidelines.)
Energetically and socially we can likely get more done than ever to craft clear safety plans and guidelines for all youth, parents, adults and others to share in voluntarily in writing and with regular follow-up (monthly, yearly and so on, like custody plans that are required in every state for parents who live apart even if never married or who are taking a practice run at living apart etc and one requests it which would likely be a smart idea legally so one is not accused of abandonment or one doesn't 'kidnap' one's children across state lines when still married etc.
These are legal matters for every state to clarify and for all parents to think through seriously (in addition to who would care for their child/ren if a parent became ill or to clarify in a will so children would not be left in limbo or placed in foster care without reason to sort things out.)
Thanks for facing these tougher topics. More support is on (End of Life) Doulagivers.org about helping people who are nearing their end of life. Much of the information can be helpful in planning for 'what if' scenarios such as having some life insurance or support for one to have more personal care or have a team of people aware of one's needs and wishes for prolonging life or having medical procedures (health care representative) and more.
There's never an ideal time but again with our country and world facing serious matters, this would be something to work at clarifying in writing (and many states have forms online for instance.)
There are End of Life Doulas (EOLDs) to help think things through, as well. Those are non-medical, non-legal support people for the family as well as a person who may be ill. A part of the process would be building up a team and addressing concerns over time with support. Okay that's likely enough for now and again, wishing everyone well at this time and in our collective journeys on all fronts.
