A Revised Post about Civility and Extra Safety Measures and more..

Needing to revise this post...basically to open up discussion about 'neighborly interactions that can start off or become contentious for various reasons.' Maybe worth charting (neighbor by neighbor, but even if one lives with others. housemate by housemate or each family member." Sharing space in a home has its own set of 'guidelines and challenges' for everyone to feel safe and 'at home' with personal boundaries respected.

That can include not having conversations or interactions as well as planning for some reasonable ways to stay informed and civil if not friendly to some degree, whether an email, phone call, mutual friends and interests, outings in public nearby and with one's own transportation if not possibly sharing a ride if needed.

Ideally emergencies but that's part of the package of being human and citizens of a neighborhood, community, town, state and country. Some 'unforeseen' situations may include a a medical need or fire or storm bringing branches down and so forth, but being aware of the basic human needs of any and all people, from pregnant women and infants to children, people with special care needs, mobility challenges, mental health challenges or aging or dementia issues could all be kept in mind.

Even if people don't have a the best start or have had a contentious relationship over a few years or more, maybe 'go-between' people from the area or community can be brought in to help ease tensions and take some 'modern, updated readings.' Time and life can have its ups and downs so maybe 'things have shifted for one or more people.'

Sadly sometimes an illness can take over for any given person, and more care and support would be needed even if not given directly, Often neighborly networks can be set up with faith and civic groups or other supports even online (with gofundme or paypal accounts for instance) to show a level of support.

Even is someone passes away, whether anticipated or not, a makeshift support team could be organized, ideally with some support from a town social worker, local faith or other service group and outfitted with the kinds of capable helpers needed to assist each family member and friend needing support. Sometimes making a phone number and email available can make 'general offers' more likely to be followed up.

Someone being able to stop by and visit the family with some time to make a short list of what might be needed then or in the near future helps get the wheels turning.

One fellow lost a great old car he meant to fix to a branch that he'd meant to take down 'any day since it had been a worry for years. These are some lessons to learn from as a society. What branches are about to fall, maybe with a strong wind, maybe an old pine or willow that's known to go?

Another guy recommends everyone to have plenty of filled fire extinguishers to put out any fire that can happen when working on a car, especially one that's been sitting a while but let's face it..any kind of fire even outdoors.Now for some stories...

One fellow was hopeful about getting some huge pines taken down only to find that the town or state road they were on had their own rules.

At first it seemed he was stuck with them, then with some extra persistent calls and inquiries, one by one they were removed by the officials after all or he was allowed to do so at his own expense. 

But sometimes it's not the land or trees, it's the cars and cats. In one case a neighbor of a woman with longtime health and sensitivity issues who needs to be home was feeling physically weakened by the loud idling of an old machine of a car.

She tolerated it best she could as though in labor on the floor dealing with gripping pain. Finally she got a knock on her door from one of the owners of the property where the car was parked.

Turns out he was complaining about a light she had on from time to time, very rarely it turns out. But the light bothered his wife, who was the owner of the car.

I think it's worth noting the genders of the people and that they were all above 40 if not 50 as far as I could fathom. The woman with health problems, we can call her Emily (not her real name), had turned her light on a few times for her cat to be able to see outside from the one door with a view.

She agreed to keep the light off but nicely asked that he get his wife to keep the rumbling to a minimum. But what happened shortly thereafter can confuse any caring soul if not impute that sense of pain from loud noises...The car went an idling and then a rumbling up and down the road and idling some more. Typically 20-40 minutes at a time as was the case in the past. She felt at a loss and turned her light back on.

Following is a comment I made and overall looking at anyone's life experience whether from the past or present or anticipating the future can help us be better team players..and hopefully own up to our parts of whatever trouble we are creating or having to face 'alone'. We don't live in a vacuum and the rules are being written everyday to take away our voices and choices and freedoms and opportunities, in case you didn't realize that.

So while it's still mostly possible to convey some thoughts, I will do so ...None of this blog is to be taken as legal advice or guidance but is sharing ideas I have heard and  suggestions for people to follow up while my fingers are willing to be good sports and keep typing...

Peace and lights  of learning and leaning toward civility On! Let's learn and grow together and consider we may have to receive (this time or the next) or we may agree to do so to balance out or help with other plans with one another lifetime to lifetime...so let's take it easy and do our best to treat others the way we would want to be treated...

You have a best seller book here..you could say it's based on a true story because many people wouldn't believe this stuff..but yes, many a neighbor has been feuding more than friending.

There's lots for all of us to ponder..what if we were in your shoes (or as life goes, in theirs...) At least we can be glad the latter is not the case (same with not being the bully or unbalanced trouble maker or law breaker...

Yet if we are somehow 'stuck with them' whether neighbor, legally, DNA wise and so on...we need to creatively 'think outside of our human normal responses..' We could pray for them (my Mom's suggestion over her lifetime and that does shift the dynamic. )

Usually she'd add..'they probably had a hard life or didn't learn otherwise..or are mentally troubled. Some would add spiritually troubled or affected by their family's karma...see so they're not such big bad boogey people after all. 

Sadly from your experience, answering the door was likely not your safest response. You don't know what some people will decide they need to do to you to protect themselves or answer the demons in their mind...
I once heard of a known- to- be- unstable and often drunk fellow once knocked on a nearby neighbor's door and told a 'friend' from over a lifetime he'd have to do him in...and he had a shotgun. 

The friend stayed calm and asked him to explain a bit more...and convinced him it was an old refrigerator that needed shooting, not him. Thankfully his old crazed pal agreed and let loose on the old fridge in the yard...Thank goodness for such smart steady folks and fridges when one needs them.

After reading about OCD--obsessive compulsive disorder (there's more info now than in the past twenty years and likely more online...) the condition is not just about cleaning and checking rituals, but can include hoarding or anxiety and panic attacks and thinking others are out to getcha.

Now in some instances..there are people out to getcha..and maybe they have a version of OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder or bipolar or schizophrenia or schizo-affective disorder or borderline personality disorder -- see Stop Walking On Eggshells book or Coercive Control and basics by Lundy Bancroft about abuse etc. as well as other cognitive disorders (even unspecified) but maybe due to being abused or mistreated or otherwise off track.

We generally hope to understand why a person does whatever s/he does but sometimes we don't have that luxury and there are many causes. We hope then there could be a cure or at least a way to handle someone consistently but many are 'beyond repair and don't care'. That could be part of their condition and there's always a chance for relapse...so these folks would not be good matches for you in a co-housing community, fyi!

Blaming and shaming others, creating negative bonds (hatin' on someone when maybe a more friendly stance would be in order...) and so on could all be red flags many people miss or dismiss to everyone's detriment. Not everyone is willing or able to have insight into being unsteady emotionally and otherwise. 

Not talking about things may be helpful..but so might talking with caring knowledgeable people..and there aren't too many qualified or willing to volunteer or even work in such fields. With the internet we can process info and ideas more readily. 

The other legal options would be to inform any problematic neighbors that they are not welcome on your property, and have the police inform them of that. Then if they did come on the property that would be trespassing and an arrest could be made if reported in a timely manner.

That may mean setting up video cameras and while I would encourage everyone to have a more sensible 'letter to friends and neighbors distributed first...with a voluntary set of folks near or a bit farther out to consult should any problems (such as this one arise..and to try a mediated discussion, through letters and without the intent of using them in legal dealings if concerns cannot be addressed. Ideally phone conversations could be had with each party separately and notes made by the mediator...and offers for making concessions and working through matters on a timetable with a small group to support each party and the process.

A note could go out...' that a phone call or letter would be appreciated before coming by unless there was a valid emergency for medical help or a problem such as a fire etc. Okay hope this helps...and most know of many challenging situations whether people or bedbugs or construction etc making one or more people choose to take a trip, stay with a friend, rent another small getaway place and so on to sort things out.

Letting matters cool down is a good idea and keeping in mind that it isn't good for one's health over a lifetime to live by a 'nasty neighbor' or with difficult people in one's family or social circle. The term 'kill 'em with kindness' is not to make martyrs out of people but to clarify boundaries and help end the overarching sense of being at war with someone.

Some say these may be our insights to a bigger slice of the human condition than we thought we signed up for. We can care more about others who are suffering in similar ways or in general when we've lived that enough...'we get it'. Okay that's plenty for now...and be in touch if you want about any of the above..that goes for anyone...peace and light..and more on www.livfully.org