"My Mum's Wagging the Carrot, Wagging the Carrot!" I had a fellow explain to me after an upsetting phone call in a small public sitting area...

I was curious to learn what 'Wagging the carrot" meant from this English gent turned angered adult son over his mom's latest invitation to a pricey gathering that he could not readily afford to attend. He wanted to explain and I was all ears for a couple of moments as a couple of his friends listened in as well. You see, his Mum, who likely was in her 50s since he seemed about 30, was 'Always doing this thing of painting a nice picture of a gathering for him to attend, but requiring him to do or pay for certain things he did not feel were within his budget or schedule or social circle boundaries.

This had happened Many times before and she was Doing it Again, without wanting to hear his concerns or discuss options. He tried to shout in a few parameters or concerns yet often would revert to saying repeatedly, (can you guess by now? yes, that She was Indeed WAGGING THE CARROT!" Now America has a term for such a tactic or dynamic (and heads up, some folks Do NOT like that term so just call it "crap" or cuss word (but don't say that out loud... lest one break the law). Just boil it down to a Huge Problem and determine to Talk it over with someone, but NOT the person who is instigating the "crap" or major problema.

(See the Four Agreements for ideas about Not Attracting Negative things by not saying or even thinking them.. kind of cool and empowering, and yes I aim to live in that mode for many years but it's tricky because I do like to try to unravel the root causes of challenges and comprehend our broken, uneducated systems which we turn to like a capable parent only too often to find someone's in a drunken stupor...)

One person, namely the person feeling offended can take charge of the situation and Not Let the Other Person Push their Buttons, Get their Goat or fall prey to antics whether the person is aware of it or not. There may be Many Things to Think About for Months (or even years, and periodically to maintain one's sense of Why and What-If's even longer than That.)

Mostly there is a History to Try to Unravel and many good ideas are shared from the Option Dialogue Process in the book To Love is To Be Happy With by Barry Kaufman. He goes by "Bears" and maybe giving oneself a bear hug is a good place to start if anyone is Crossing One's Boundaries, or Offending or Teasing, Bullying or Threatening to harm someone's person, property, housing, work, relationships, education or opportunities.

That may be the Reverse of Carrot Wagging and more aking to Waving the Stick! The overall concepts of positive reinforcement in terms of getting a rabbit to chase a carrot or negative reinforcement of scaring someone or animal by hitting them or threatening to do so (often after having done so or done other intimidating violence such as breaking objects, making demands, raising one's voice or levelling ultimatums...If you don't comply then you will face certain consequences (that have not been discussed and agreed upon in advance, but are rather more like punishments.)

The importance of learning domestic abuse and violence laws is key every year or so in every state and country because a lot changes over a short period of time on the books and how things are carried out.  These could include laws about living in the same housing as family or friends whether in a home with many rooms or smaller quarters such as room mates at college or romantic partners or parents of the same children even if living apart or people who have been dating and living apart, and much more in every state.

Now the possibilities exist according to Many Theorists from around the world and taught for thousands of years, that we may be 'getting what we were part of either directly or as a culture' in the past. So if some bad stuff is still going down in our squeaky clean, bright white smiling modern times in America, likely that means were part of the events of the past and need to learn spiritually about actions that were made or beliefs that were held that keep us from being more healthy, honest, caring folks than we might be. Not a typical game board to lay out life's events on in terms of modern philosophy of YOLO (You Only Live Once) but rather meaningful to consider as a What IF possibility to view L-IF-E (yes, Life that has the big word IF smack dab in the middle of it.)

Setting up Boundaries has been a theme I have been exploring for  a decades or so once I heard the concept. There are books such as Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker and one for Teens with that name. Ilene Wolf has good online information on Emotional Abuse (google HEAL or Healing Wolf Tracks.) The new terms YES and NO can be helpful to think of in terms of  YES="Yes Expecting Sharing" and NO= "Not Open" to hearing someone or something at this time or as indicated. Levels can be used (with a chart on the fridge for handy reference for all) such as 1 for simple topics and information, 2 for more complicated topics like what's for dinner or where should we go to eat or shop, 3 for lengthy topics about chores, regular household or relationship guidelines --taking turns while speaking or using a notebook or emails or phone calls to check in as agreed upon for safety and updates and even for dicier topics, maybe with a third party coaching along. 4 could be for politics, 5 for faith or religious ideas, 6 for more woo-woo topics like UFOs, aliens, conspiracy theories, 7 for energy healing or other modalities and so on.

This is just for a ball park idea. I will put more thought into later. Also time for each person to share or again to write a page or number of lines or words could also be negotiated and coded with A for up to 10 minutes for each person (or one only if that is agreed to.) The book Tell Me More and the tradition of letting each person speak fully maybe for 20-30 minutes (with breaks as needed or longer if agreed upon with breaks every half hour for instance) is a longheld Talking Stick process. Journaling can be a key to helping a person feel at ease about exploring one or more topics and relationships then only sharing what one chooses to at a later time or even with another party before doing so with the people involved, if ever. Okay this maps out a few basics, feel free to share what works for you.

The point of Not Telling Others to Not Talk is to respect the anti-bullying and domestic abuse laws. Anyone can and Should Get up and Walk Away, to the bathroom if needed or to get a drink of water, to make a call or go out in the halll or outdoors. Get to a Safe, Calm Space Emotionally and Take a Breather for Oneself and then re-engage later if really appropriate, likely the next day and not about the dicey issue or carrot wagging or stick waving matter... How's that sound?