Recapping The Annual Mothers Custody Conference (tip:read the book by Toby Kleinman on DV and Custody..Winning in Family Court)
To the Editor:
Having been to the national event Battered Mothers Custody Conference for advocates and victims twice before and invested in key resources I feel every state should have such as books by Barry Goldstein and other expert advocates such Wendy Murphy, I did not think I would learn much more about these pressing topics by going to the 13th conference, but boy did I ever! I invested in Representing the Domestic Violence Survivor which complements the major book by longterm advocates called DV, Child Abuse and Child Custody.
Along with over a hundred others, I was moved by a new play Forbidden to Protect by Lundy Bancroft which shared the injustices befalling mothers who try to protect their children from abuse by disclosing that in a custody battle. Connie Valentine from CA Protective Parents has spear-headed efforts to change the scene nationally with Resolution 72 which the public needs to voice support for currently to prioritize children's safety where violence is alleged in custody disputes. In addition to more information on my blog http://www.livfully.org,
I am happy to advocate about many important matters covered at the conference, much of which was taped for online sharing. My email is thinkingkapp@gmail.com 860-824-0827. Together we can make a world of difference and help each child grow in a garden of safety and knowledge of their rights with help from their protective parent(s), generally their mothers and others who are brave enough to learn the hard stuff and 'do what's right', pitching in with gofundme.com or other efforts such as has helped many with medical, legal or other needs. Catherine Palmer Paton, Falls Village C
Dear Janet, I will summarize some highlights of the BMCC I went to this weekend, May 4-6th, 2018. Hope it can be in the paper this week or next since it is all about DV and many are interested in helping the cause (and other difficult passings in the state recently demonstrate the need for the public's increased awareness of all things 'abuse, power and control, and violence related.'
Thanks, Catherine Palmer Paton,
PS Attorney and Leading Advocate for The Safe Child Act for states and countries to consider, Barry Goldstein, Mo Hannah and many others attended a play co-written by Lundy Bancroft, Forbidden to Protect, performed in Albany NY as part of the 13th national Battered Mothers Custody Conference (which about 150 people attended over three days.)
Many books and documentaries are listed on the site and related sites such as CA (California) Protective Parents.
Connie Valentine from that organization received recognition for her steadfast leadership in lobbying in Washington DC since 2010 with other Protective Parents (most often mothers) to prioritize the safety of children in custody cases.
Resolution 72 is being led by Jeff Sessions at this time which would provide a national framework to safeguard victims of abuse during custody disputes, which too often are crimes being done in plain view and with court 'approval' or negligence.
Key books such as those produced by Barry Goldstein (The Quincy Solutions) and Mo Hannah through http://www.civicresearchinstitute.org (DV, Child Abuse and Custody as well as Representing the Domestic Violence Survivor) to educate those in the judiciary (judges, attorneys, guardian ad litems, criminal court personnel and police, expert witnesses from other fields such as mental health and domestic violence, social services, and all citizens within a family or relationship unit as well as wider social circles of faith and work, school, college or military fields.)
Every player needs to 'know the law, the intent of the law and make protecting the safety of both adult and child victims as well as pets and property and finances' a priority.
Without the most current research (including that done by Joan Meier which has shown that in the small percentage of cases where abuse by fathers or male partners is proven, they still obtain custody of children 70-80% of the time.
This statistic has been steady for decades with 58,000 mothers losing custody if not access to their children each year for decades.
Now is the heyday for the #metoo movement, coming on the heels of major Women's Marches in DC and NYC (which I got to attend and blog about on http://www.livfully.org). Most are becoming familiar with tragic episodes (such as a father killing his biological son in North Carolina he had with his biological daughter who was 20 years old.
Before shooting himself, he shot her (shortly after she let him know she would be breaking the 2 year relationship off with him) and her adoptive father in CT in the spring of 2018. More media coverage of school violence, gun violence and the well-kept secret that Most such violence is a related to Domestic Violence (especially for female victims of color) are among family or others who know each other.
Through school, military and public education we need greater understanding of the impact and far too common occurrence of sexual assault of women and children whether by clergy, family or others. In addition, abuse affects people over time (such as in the ACEs, Adverse Childhood Effects study by Saunders although some such as Evan Stark feel this information may be misused to take more children from parents 'for their own good'.)
All children in a home are impacted longterm by abuse even if they do not witness the abuse directly. They often can be coerced to comply with the abuse and turn against their protective parent, further complicating a difficult set of factors for the mother and even the courts to comprehend.
With safety as a priority however, there is every reason to understand that the impact of abuse if vast and is a public health concern as well as a human rights issue. Too many professionals are not educated or interested in these life-saving facts that impact all players and communities.
Evan Stark, author of Coercive Control, explored the spectrum of control over time, possibly over years which is cumulative in effect and can impact a victim's relationships and work or study options, other financial footing and parenting experience negatively, also spoke to the common 'response' of dissociation whereby some family and experts 'cannot take the information in' and form a meaningful response.
Rather, 'confusion and denial', allowing the excuse for abuse to be 'he said, she said' which means the parties do not agree and give differing accounts as well as blame one another.
The option of considering that one is telling the truth and the other lying is not often explored unless matters go to trial which is a costly intimidating process.
The threat of an abuser to 'take custody of the children' is a red flag everyone should recognize as very dangerous for the victim, her children and even the perpetrator.
He may or may not have a clear mental health diagnosis (often bipolar or a personality disorder such as narcissistic or antisocial characteristics, a history of alcohol or drug use or other obvious concerns.
There are more resources such as from Domestic Violence Survivors – Unleashing Superhero Survivors of Family Violence through Outside-the-Box Advocacy and theduluthmodel.org to encourage people and organizations, states and national programs to work toward preventing violence and increasing awareness.
NOMAS, National Organization for Men Against Sexism, also helped sponsor the BMCC. More males are joining in the 'boots on the ground work' (even Walking a Mile in Her Shoes.
That may mean walking in heels or bright colors such as CT Representative Brian Ohler donned a pair of red shoes for an upcoming walk in the northwest corner.
With every decade the warriors from each movement, including all women who have faced the possibility of assault if not survived one or more episodes.
Episodic or subtle threats and looks, neglect or 'punishments' change one's set point for safety and may poise one to become more compliant and confused even if there's more good than bad in a set of factors such as housing, finances, parenting or other support in a relationship with an intimate partner or others one may live with or be connected to where there is a power imbalance.)
Thanks to everyone 'believing a victim of abuse' whether a child, woman or man or otherwise gendered person. We need to pull together and realize we can evolve with love and wisdom to keep everyone safe and informed of the civil and human rights and see that they are upheld for the common good. --Catherine Palmer Paton
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