Sad News at 'Camelot and likely all of America"...Sexual Abuse by Teachers, Trusted Leaders and Others

There have been NY Times and Lakeville Journal CT headlines about abuse at private schools such as Indian Mountain School and Hotchkiss School and in some church circles nationally. Not reported but also known by some is that likely locally there have also been scary incidents kept secret whether among ministers or others abusing or threatening harm to those in their care if compliance was not maintained even to rules of behavior.

Supposedly some local churches have issued a letter to remind pastors and ideally all congregants and the public at large that threats to harm people are not reasonable parenting or employer tactics. Nor is requiring someone to do 'extra duties'  that are illegal for pay or otherwise to keep their job in case that has been part of the scene.

Where are the 'third parties' perhaps speaking directly to congregants and employers, youth and elders and others to inform them of their rights to disclose or at least to get support. Some families likely move away either due to the threats or to get over the harm and agony. Their experiences should be factored in as well as to 'who knew, how things were allowed to continue socially with no one being informed of the deviant, predatory behavior and so on.'

The schools for instance are being sued even though the statute of limitations (which are up to age 48 in CT and only a few years in NY state, with every state having its own terms or actual follow through patterns, often lacking.) Basically it's every woman and child essentially 'for herself' to figure out how to be safe in her home, school, community, car, faith group, recreational area and so on. Same goes for young men and sometimes even adult men, particularly in the military or other challenging social situation such as prison.

When seeing a historical re enactment of the Revolutionary War and the intense dedication both sides had to their causes, it is confusing and depressing to consider what we have done with our freedom. Yet compared to what the Nazis did in the name of righteousness, perhaps we are seeing the challenges we have with our freedom and facing what 'lies beneath the surface' for many in this challenging human condition even in modern times.

Some say we've had many lifetimes and are re enacting what was done to us or other difficult dynamics. As strange and miserable as that may be to not necessarily be conscious or truly be able to know what our human experience may entail, we can try that on to help 'soften the polarization' as some people being purely evil and others completely innocent.

Yes, victims are not to blame... but What If on some level there is a drama playing out over millenia..and we are the people of the past who lived in dark and challenging times, confused and mistreated perhaps as slaves or doing the violence to others as slave owners or assailants? These 'far out there' ideas are fairly common along with a host of other theories that there are evil forces in the world.

They need to be identified and ideally healed as in released to a healing light (maybe a higher being helping with this or handling the energy and allowing or assisting with a true conversion from a base nature to one that is more evolved and not deceptive.)

The laws we have come from the Ten Commandments (and there were 600 laws for the Jews to follow historically.) That is one religion and that also has had it's pros and cons as many have found out and likely need a lot of 'group therapy' if not individual help to sort out in terms of what is reasonable and what impinges on a person's sense of free agency beyond what is healthy or fair (or legal.)

 That said I just learned of a disturbing post about the  very likely predatory behavior of a person (toward more than one person but even the one sounds quite believable) most of us considered an upstanding citizen. In terms of relating graphic details on my blog, likely I'd have to summarize them because from what I've learned too often 'people blame the victim' and many people who are not well end up sinking deeper into their illness.

It's almost like 'there's no way to win'. However I think trusting that people could be validated by their peers or other decent professionals or a committee that could convey to the public the nature of the transgressions and yes, name a name when there is a documented account, that would be helpful. It's actually a very important public safety measure.

I do feel to keep public safety in mind and not create more harm for the family or friends of the person in question, and really even for the transgressor to not be put in a more harmful position than facing the law or otherwise voluntarily relocating or being banned from places s/he may be at risk of harming others would make sense. Sometimes I think we need a way and time to Rethink Everything... now that we know better we can do better at preventing things with more pro-active stances.

That would mean 'no doing anything, going anywhere, or being with someone (particularly not alone or without the right supervision at all times) if a minor and not having the community and parental permission required (and generally expected.)

The answer would have to be "No, you can't go, until we (the parents, responsible adults factoring in reasonable safety guidelines whether in one's home, school, sports, recreational, church or other situation, riding bikes, hiking, walking, swimming, climbing trees or walls, or any number of risky activities. (There are norms for doing things within reason and then there's 'too much of a risk' and basically 'too much of a risk to rescue if things go astray to allow the freedom for everyone to do whatever they want or can get away with.)

See Remembering Kaelan for the many factors that unfortunately contributed to our teen son's passing on his last day of high school of his first year there in June 2009. Some think I can't move on when I recount that situation, but really I feel there are many who benefit from hearing the play-by-play and gleaning the insights  about how to Prevent Such Tragedies.

Also there is a huge gap between what is expected of parents who are in a custody dispute compared to those who are not in the civil court system. There is even a lot of confusion about how to handle a parent who is in the criminal justice system in terms of allowing them access to their children even if they have abused them or their mother. Not sensible or reasonable.

Youth ideally would have more trainings on how to keep track of themselves, but basically as minors, under 18 in CT, their parents are legally and financially responsible for a lot of the trouble or harm they may get into or do to others, short of going to jail for them..but maybe even that if they are deemed putting youth at risk of harm. Sadly parents or other adults who condone hurtful or high risk behaviors need to want to learn and often don't. It can be due to benign neglect or thinking 'that's kids, or that's life, or we did far worse and there were no laws or rules'.

That latter may have been the case for many teachers who likely knew of abuse in families of the children they taught...and hopefully not teachers though I had heard of one case (but the victim did not want to come forward.) There was also plenty of physical violence and yelling at kids..one fellow having his head banged on a block wall for instance. The list of miseries likely would grow quickly if everyone chimed in.

The idea of not making certain all of the adults around youth today are screened for domestic violence and abuse (since that is often linked to acts of violence towards others as we all learned in the Florida night club case.

That abused wife was possibly going to be arrested for not warning officials of the risk. The problems are 'manifold' and miserable... and widespread over every state likely. So if we can all agree we will try to wake up to the many difficulties most faced in past decades without support or ways to find 'inner healing and practical supports' then we can help more of today's youth and even the survivors.

Likely we need a clear way to 'disclose' what needs disclosing to those in various situations. Then we could think through ways to acknowledge (without naming necessarily) the victims and their loved ones.

Actual financial support would be appropriate to help them have basics like housing, transportation and other needs met in a secure way. As long as I'm dreaming out loud, how about some free education and nice clothes and ways to have support in an ongoing manner. If there are mental health needs, those also could be acknowledged.

As I heard at Kent Presents (which will have their talks up online for free in a month), many victims still interact with the people who have mistreated them. There are many reasons for that such as shared social if not family circles, other things in common such as geography or shared goals

.Perhaps over time more ways could be found to make sure there would not be a dependency for housing, rides and support from someone who has abused them (unless the support could be financial and even then ideally come through a third party.)

The Safe and Together Institute is offering programs for victims of abuse who may want to remain with their abusive 'partner' to have support and to hold the other person accountable.

That sounds dicey--yet many women are done in even if they leave...Staying with an abuser--especially if it seems one can leave safely and legally gain custody-- is not the recommendation of many in the abuse fields. 

Authors Atty Barry Goldstein and Lundy Bancroft promote the victim (generally the mother) having security so their children can heal. Only recently is CT having a policy to arrest the primary aggressor if police intervene in a domestic abuse case. Too often if there is a divorce action many police and others 'allow things to unravel in the civil court' even if crimes are committed.

That is a huge area that needs revision. Sadly there were cases involving sexual abuse in our local area fairly recently as well as over many decades. Just acknowledging that and giving all the victims a huge, heartfelt community wide apology likely would help with the healing process.

Likely a special group of people (maybe not even local) would be helpful to address 'what could be done for each and every person' who would want to share their situation in terms of 'where, when, what, who, and why' did it seem to happen..also 'Who knew, who did you tell, who else might they have hurt... and how have you coped.." 

These could be nationwide questions to list state, town, school, church or other important info to get a clear picture of what was broken, what scars are left and what they feel may help with healing.' 

Some say the energy of any of this kind of problem can be cleared, and some say 'restoration of one's soul' is needed, with a reclaiming of the innocence or youth or other aspects of one's life..trust, secure relationships, support from friends and family and much more..are needed. 

That can be done in various ways.. with support as well as with guided meditations. Some promote a certain tradition and others are more eclectic. Knowing one is not alone is very important as well as 'one did not cause it and is not to blame' as a victim. 

As for those violating others, I often consider they likely have also been abused, even if they did not realize or are otherwise off their game mentally if not physically (too much testosterone one person said likely was her abuser's problem and would need, like Michael Ross--the last man in CT who was put to death-- to take drugs to lower that and thus decrease urges to hurt others.

Not an easy topic. Our late friend www.karenkisslinger.com put a video out called Critter Jitters. I would be happy to show that at every library or church as it may be of interest. She and I did an outreach in the newspaper over 25 years ago.

It's a good starting point and there are other programs but not many that are used regularly to educate youth and families. Erin Merryn is seeking more education for younger children. Until we have other aspects of schools and society ready to actually help keep children safe it's not clear that children will be believed and that perpetrators will be stopped.

The Battered Mothers Custody Conference is one that is gaining national support and has Resolution 72 proposed in Congress which would give alleged victims of domestic abuse full custody of their children rather than make them share with the abuser. The abuse affects children with poor outcomes many times over their lifetime.

All minors need more help understanding the dynamics so they can help one another and not be part of the silencing if not victim blaming that is typical of older generations. Until the housing and survival needs for women and children as well as men who are victims are met, the syndromes tend to continue. 

About half of homeless people are victims of abuse (primarily women and children.) Then there are plenty of victims who have a life path of landing in jail for some time.

So let's rethink the bigger picture (as I have been doing for about 5 years on my blog but more like 35 when I think about it..and way back to grade school best I could.) As we all learn how to do better, we can implement that and find support along the way.

No economic, religious, or racial group is immune to abuse, so let the healing and helping to improve the system begin.

Updated Comment: In case someone wants to clarify concerns, I'd listen. The overall courage of people to discuss things is not common..and since some had a strong opinion ..what were some things you find inappropriate or concerning.

I have offered the idea in many areas to 'leave names out' if at all possible and even in the case of sexual abuse, to try not to spell things out too clearly since we are often hearing others with problems feed off such stories. The victims and their families and so on (maybe for generations, etc) can be targeted...Should they be?

Of course not, but it's more common than not. in a very public case that was written 'chapter and verse' in the Lakeville Journal the person who initially disclosed was assured privacy..but that was to the agency not to the paper that had access to the police reports, etc. When an outreach letter to show that family support was sent, no churches or agencies contributed in their time of need. 

Basically many local caring groups are needed to help people sort through an array of concerns, hopefully not quite so serious, but of course if that is the case.

That is a lot of what my blogging efforts try to do... often drawing on helpful resources and disclosing the brokenness of many systems. Once everyone can appreciate the limitations or complications of even getting help for food or other basics, let alone justice in a custody or divorce action (and my suggestion there is Screen Everyone Going Into a Court Situation for Any Reason but particularly for a family matter or a criminal one) for domestic abuse, safety and substance abuse etc and try to get them help Before they get too deep into a court situation which could drive many a person to stress out if not drink, drug or otherwise feel they are in the fight of their life whether they have an attorney or not.

If they have kids, the Number One Rule such as in Resolution 72 is to keep the children 'safe and together' with an alleged victim, generally The Mother. If more 'possibly abusive' fathers (or rarely mothers...) could Try to Allow for this given the huge miserable statistics of not doing this and of creating havoc if not harm or major violation of the kids (and or Mom..some of whom are abused in front of their kids..and yes, sadly that can be on any level..and yes in the sleepy lovely towns we like to think wouldn't allow for that, particularly in past years...but as we see the wounds and drama ripple out so it becomes more of a necessity to be more accountable and public about one's dealings and actions.See more on livfully.org and share your ideas after learning more from Duluth Model, and CA Protective Parents Alliance, Lundy Bancroft and Barry Goldstein. Thanks in advance for taking That Chance to Prevent More Harm or