Safe & Together Institute Offering Virtual Academy, Podcasts and Information

Safe & Together Institute is an incredibly important resource for every country, state, and community to learn about as well as for victims to have hope and learn all they can about patterns of abuse and control, particularly during this increased time of isolation and future challenges along these lines of sudden change and mandates, reduced finances, support or earning opportunities for people and in society at large. This is a kind of life raft to help victims and really everyone (many who may be abused and not have identified it as such or as serious and needing attention for their own mental health as well as more aware of patterns of difficulty and danger.)

Safe & Together Institute is offering reduced pricing on programs in April 2020, and have many free resources as well. There are many key points for people to consider and share with family, friends and others but not necessarily inform an abuser about  since there could be huge reactions of denial or escalating, or increased isolation from such resources.

So in a way this is 'undercover information' yet critical for more people to take on as part of an overall safety and advocacy stance as a modern person, a human rights issue and one that informs policies and cases that make the news and play out in the courts sometimes. There are 'mapping tools' and ways to explore one's own biases and feelings, responses and hopes for oneself and those one learns about in the community or wider world.

Here is a sampling of what I am hearing from a Podcast (Episode 13) by David Mandel and his wife Ruth Mandel. 

'Some domestic abuse workers are not able to work directly due to the isolation mandates around the world.  How do you adapt your advocacy and support during these CV-19 with the esclated pressures. Many of the effects of the domestic violence are playing in negative ways for victims who are more cut-off from services and giving perpetrators of coercive control (tactics to make a victim comply, be fearful and curtail optons,) and 'green lights' to get away with abuse since the media is not addressing these concerns and may be dismissing abuse as 'stress.'

The entitlement thinking that is the foundation of coercive control and abuse needs to be better understood by communities, legal parameters and  relationship theories. Too often abuse is 'explained away' as due to not knowing how to handle stress, communicate or manage anger.

But these are outdated, erroneous theories. The deeper sense of entitlement to manage the people in the context of his close social circles, family, friends and those working for him and others who may want something from him and are willing to look the other way. CV-19 may have handed professionals a lot of 'excuses' for abusers that may be found 'reasonable.' 

Ideas they offer to help assess a situation is to ask what was the abusers pattern before any kind of trauma in their life (like going to war, major challenges in youth or over a lifetime?) How is CV-19 impacting a family during this time, relative to work, social changes, living arrangements and support systems? If a victim cannot explore matters in length, if kids or extended family may hear what she is saying that could get back to the advocates on the phone?

Proactively, it's important to do basic screening such as safety of the home (whether there are dangerous imminent concerns and primarily is it safe to talk now or is it better to speak outdoors and away from children or others in the home who may relay call information or hear things one would rather they not.

If talking with the family as a trained advocate with a family that is 'intact' or under the same roof, if the two parents are in the same room, one may say, "May we speak with your first as the father...?" That can help minimize a sense of not having his own say. Asking what routines may have been challenged that may increase his anxiety. Are support groups or help subsiding.

What behaviors are factoring into a pattern of isolating or becoming anxious that then turns into anger or escalated fears or mandates. If the agenda of the controller is running the show of the family and home, forcing others to do whatever that is (even if it's not completely unreasonable, such as making people stay inside the home or micro- managing matters above what is recommended.)

More virtual help may be available to abusers or 12-step program people to have help or for victims to gain insight. It's important to consider if a course of control is escalating due to the CV19? How is he using the victim's fears and his power to 'protect the victims.' 

How about saying things to a victim that 'no one will support you (as a mother or kids), someone doesn't care and won't come help you because they don't like you. A controller cutting support to the children emotionally and socially on top of what is required is a concern.

"Your such a lousy mother you are not showing up for your kids,' may be a way an abuser is feeling fearful but lashing out rather than trying to maintain calm and find online connections and go-betweens to keep support. Real vulnerablility is making more people anxious and fearful as victims (and abusers.)

The two big buckets, David Mandel shares that CV19 is a new tool for control  for abusers and increased vulnerability for victims. Also there is an increased risk of suicidality or higher risk of drug use due to feeling more vulnerable and thwarted or seeking numbing out.Those can be responses to abuse to address the despair adult and child trauma victims may feel. Depression and trauma may go up for victims due to the control and impact of abuse rather than only the resposnse to the COVID19.

That there are 'valid risks' and the controller emphasizing what he is doing to lay down the law that 'he has the only input and final say' about what people can do and who someone can interact with (even normal safe social support, for learning and maintaining emotional ties and expressing feelings and being supported.)

There may be people who have to be separate due to the victim having been exposed with CV19. Ideally a victim would have back up for who could care for her children rather than place them with the abusive parent for extra time if that is not desirable.

Any person who has vulnerabilities from a medical condition or is very sick may be impacted by an abuser doing intentional or neglectful things to increase risk of harm from being exposed to illness or making it hard to get medications or complicate other caregiving aspects. Those are all control maneuvers at a higher level.

If a victim becomes ill and dies from any reason, the children may be very fearful about 'being abused when alone with the abuser longterm.' The safety planning should be done early on and have more advocacy but can often not be approved based on 'potential harm'. It is important to keep monitoring and give youth advocacy information as well as family and other support team members.

There may be legal precedent to arrest someone who is intentionally infecting someone with a potentially dangerous or lethal. A very sad but important aspect of abuse to be apprised of for all parties. There  is a checklist of concerns they share at the end of the podcast for the vulnerablities of the victim (for housing, support and health care needs, possible with weakened immune systems.) A history of trauma such as with the ACES (Adverse Childhood Experiences Study) research have shown victims can have compromised health.

Being proactive in checking on people in one's social circles who may be comprised (extended family, friends and neighbors, faith group ties and more.) An abuser will often cut ties for the victim on many levels socially and even on the phone or online. Abusers can interfere with the victims ability to work, and undermine child care assistance. Using the children to keep someone home is another avenue. 

There are ways to be more proactive and protective shared as well victims. Some strategies of 'compliance' with the abusers may be viewed as collusion with an abuser. Without appropriate help, the survival strategies are important to understaning.

There may be compliance for illegal activity, drug use and endanger people as complicit to a crime. If a perpetrator is threatening a victim and children,compliance is a helpful strategy. The perpetrator's pattern of control and abuse is key to identify  the context of situations. Many victims may 'report hotlines and ask for help' but then retract because there is no place for her to live or go to follow up likely. 

There are more ideas after these listed and many more episodes. Taking in new information weekly may be a way to learn about these models and explore what is available on other sources (many listed on Livfuly.org in various posts or on Battered Mothers Custody Conference (BMCC.org) and CA Protective Parents Association.