When a Dad goes Bad, Let US-All heed the Warning and LEARN a lot!

 A quick hello to say www.countytimes.com and www.tricornernews.com both printed my Letter to the Editor on 'universal care' or 'many voices can lead to many cholces'.  Follow the headlines on our Principal Leaving just  a week before school, due in large part to ongoing tensions in the Region One Board and the 5th NO Vote for our 14 million dollar school budget that serves a high school of 400 and some services for 6 elementary schools.

Before that though, if  you are in TORRINGTON area Th Aug 29th,2013, check out the Fire Juggler / Eater on Main St at 8 pm..I truly hope safety precautions have been taken..and let US-All realize how Precious our Voices and Choices are in the country, who more of us could Sing About (or Shout About, with respect for the right to air differences of opinion, as I did in the Would You LIke to Work in Congress piece? I feel I need to comment on that person's views, and trUSt I will before long, but feel free to beat me to it. I'd rather be on the trUSt bus than the abUSe bus..how about you?

In other critical news, a 28 year old hiker fell and died from injuries at Race Brook Mountain from a treacherous path. His 22 year old brother and he had been hiking for 3 weeks, so it's a loss that mirrors with different natural elements the tragic accident out in nature that claimed the life of our wonderful teen son Kaelan Paton in June or 2009. Meanwhile another realm of tragedy befell Manchester NH when a  biological father shot his son at a YMCA visitation center.

What  I  cover next regarding Rita Feurst's response to a Dad killing his son is HORRIBLE (if not criminal given the huge amount of influence Fathers Rights groups hold over policy makers, with funding running $500 million and linked to many US-Government programs voting 'fatherhood involvement' whether via prison programs or criminal court or other venues of enticing men into being 'involved'..whereas women needing safe havens with their children (or even alone which could prevent unintended pregnancies and  help single women be more stable before becoming pregnant are NOT well-funded and often programs serving low-income people such as Head Start for kids is being slashed.

These severe cuts could increase factors that lead to more harm and violence against women and children. See the irony of the funding and goals--helping keep abusers in the loop and exposing children to them with custody 'being won by highly abusive dads 80% of the time whle women and kids in highest need keep having programs cut and a harder fight just to survive, stay alive and stay together.

The last two go together as www.nonviolenceallince.com promotes 'keeping kids safe by keeping them in their mother's care' in their SAFE and TOGETHER Model).      Regarding the recent murder-suicide in MANchester NH (to help folks focus on the male violence against women in general, not only in Manchester..and thankfully, NO, It's not all men..but the violence being done is mainly perpetrated by the males of our species...This should get more attention from every citizen and leader. 

 Unfortunately, the National Parents  Organization leader Rita Feurst  actually theorized the lack of joint custody led the man to commit the planned, criminal fatal action that resulted in the death of the 9 year old son, and the man. ( I do not want to let him be called the caring or natural father since that title by definition should not include someone who would kill their offspring..that Title of Honor is Vacated Universally when a person kills their offspring..unless sadly, it is done to 'protect their child from being killed, raped or horribly abused' which unfortunately a few mothers or possibly rarely a father on the planet has actually done, which I don't think we'd find stories on readily).

The idea of 'atttachment and entitlement' really needs to be explored and explained to ALL new parents, family members, teachers, court personnel and the community at large. Every culture has its own 'traditional associations, many religions often, and many practices that NEED to adhere to a common 'human rights' group like WHO (World Health Organization). Women who have options to take a 'morning after pill' or have an early-term abortion need to be aware of that and have a safe way to obtain that is she is truly feeling unable and unwilling to have a pregnancy continue.

Ideally, she would have medical people as well as counselors to discuss her situation and circumstances with. NOT being able to 'afford to have a child' in terms of rearing an infant, young child or older child should not be the main criteria for her decision. Ideally, in addition to 'the adoption option', there could be a way to network and guide both family and friends and community members who may be willing to help care for the child and support the daycare or other costs not covered by Medicaid.

All of that should be clearly reviewed at least on a website. Then once a woman Has a child, she should realize she needs to take good care of the child as well as herself. The father of the child needs to consider his 'rights' as secondary to the mother's in terms of whether she keeps a pregnancy. Once a child is born, the rigths of the father again need to be measured in terms of safety and well-being of the child and ideally the mother as well.

IF the mother is feeling abused, uncertain or disconnected from the father, that likely is more than enough indication the father may be unsafe, according to statistics and authors such as Gavin de Becker. The mother shoudl not have to prove her concerns. A father may need to prove rather that he has been 'safe and appropriate to the mother as well as the child. Abuse of the mother in any way IS a form a child abuse. This issue needs much more attention but is at the crux of costly battles in court and in private homes that never make it to court.

Unfortunately, the longer a mother stays with the father in the child's life, the harder it will be to convince others the father has been intimidating or threatening to the mother.

That is the biggest RED FLAG that he will be inappropriate or sever ties between the mother and her child, another form of abuse akin to KIDNAPPING, and one sadly OFTEN CONDONED OR ENDORSED by the courts and groups that insist on 'shared parenting'. When a woman is willing to share, sometines that will be a chance for the abusive father to harm children's views of the mother or make them feel they need to 'choose Dad to have a Dad, whereas they may know for certain they have their mother's love'.

Talk about confusing, but that kind of message is important to ALL GOOD PARENTS to hear..that IF you really have loved and cared for your child, that love will give them benefits and help them whether the severe storms of 'mixed messages they likely can receive.

Too many 'professionals' are confused and want to 'play fair and live in the present in a way that still endangers children directly and indirectly (by not letting them be with the Protective Mothers equally or Exclusively as is recommended by experts...with the other parent, generally the father having to go to Abuse Intervention Groups and have Supervised Visits.

Likely the  biological father who killed his son in this case did not go to batterer intervention programs or Think he needed it so maybe just 'showed up but did not tune in'. Clearly ALL Children should have some more screenings for safety in their caregiving situations and have advocates to tune in sooner rather than later, when it can REALLY do some GOOD and Save LIVES! We all likely know 'someone living on the brink'.

IF we know of someone in chronic or imminent danger  (and again, we ALL do if we're honest and consider our towns..and if we don't that's likely Part of the Shaming Problem we buy into tacitly because Women are often Braving asking for help..many agencies don't really do all they can or should--they are run by people with limits and biases as well, and who are not up on 'best practices' from the sites I list here, including www.lundybancroft.com.

I  urgently  welcome ideas for any mom to get out safely from a man who has been abusive whether short-term,  for years...even decades. The stakes are high, and I am trying to think of OPTIONS in a small town, not far from schools, where the kids attend..and yes Child protective services HAS been involved, along with domestic violence advocates (who may not know the whole story) and basically, where and how can a single mom live safely with a few kids for about 5-10 years to see them grown.

People say 'put them in foster care, but we know kids get abused there too..why not help this woman stay safe in her own home with many Volunteers helping her drive her kids to appointments and understand their trauma over time with good counseling...Might she have to resort to temporary foster care..if she can't make it on her own in 2 years, they could be adopted out as happens with many infants.

.All of this is something the Whole Town, School and Police and Courts should weigh in on..but currently, if she raised concerns, likely her husband Would get custody and she'd be blamed for allleging violence..on and on it goes. Keep her in prayer and think healing thoughts for all involved..and let's not be the least bit surprised when other headlines declare a 'ragedy' or accident happened to this woman on the brink..we collectively deny and confuse the issues, endlessly!

The point is a mother who has been truly broken down and given no way to protect her children may still be called Mother, but a biological (or other supposed  parental figure of the child or partner of the mother) who kills a child or mother to intimidate  or  harm a mother psychologially or physically, including fatally,  is not ethically qualified to be called the 'father', caregiver or partner or boyfriend or husband.

EVERY TIME the media or courts describe the perpetrator, even if mentally ill or on drugs when carrying out such threats, CONFUSES the public. The errors made in the discussion on the Fathers and Families website now deemed the National Parents Organization (or Assoc.) are horrific and Dangerous!

They need to immediately reference www.domesticviolenceabuseandchildcustody.com and Representing the DV survivor..This IGNORANCE cannot continue. Too many lives are lost, including the killer's who 1 times out of 3 turn the gun on themselves. I feel sorry for them, and I pray there is a way to be forgiven by the victims and their families.

Believing in an afterlife,  I imagine 'it's only the beginning' of the hell or lessons they are likely to learn after dying. There are no quick easy solutions, but there ARE SOUL-Utions..These Take a Village, and a lot of rectifying of ways people live, learn and love, work and play, drive, talk, plan and account for their actions. We could all use a tune-up in these areas which at best are poorly defined and even worse not well-received or implemented into key policies. 

Basically live like 'you're on candid camera'...becuase in this day and age, we are essentially there...Okay, sorry for the depressing news, hopefully more people will NOT MARRY Or HAVE KIDS with someone they have known less than a year or ideally 2 or more..the younger, the longer folks should be dating..and even waiting til closer to 20 to ever get 'too serious'..Just some tips..Take care,,