Special Circle Gathering on the athletic field inside the track at HVRHS To Remember and Reflect...
When I was in Brooklyn NY last weekend I helped host a block party. One of the leaders bumped her head on a pole and had trouble speaking. I was worried about her but mostly trusting she'll be okay. I have yet to learn more. I got to see some little kids I've been in touch with for a few years...and one two-year-old said during our time together, "Circle Time!" She was sitting down with her legs out straight and had a big smile on after making her announcement. She does go to a program where that's part of the routine, but for me whose reared quite a few kids and was doing some singing with larger groups of small ones during a playgroup, I hadn't called it Circle Time. I really hadn't heard a small child get excited and decide to call such a circle, but it was nice novelty.
Today I had plans to see Barefoot in the Park at the Sharon Playhouse,a matinee at 2pm which included two women signing the lines. I enjoyed chatting with two senior center groups and inviting some folks to pop into a Toastmasters Meeting near them or while travelling. I recommend the play for anyone dating or thinking of getting serious even thought it's based in the 1960s, the dynamics are easy to relate to, even roommates in college (minus the physical romance.)
Living together on a 5th floor with no elevator is not for just anybody. Every character did a great job keeping the sense of being on that dreadfully high top floor as truly exhausting to get to. And did I mention that there's a ledge outside the window that also has more than one person using it and giving the audience butterflies? There's a movie version if you can't make the play.
After that I made my way down to Paley's Farm Market and delighted in getting lovely fruits and some multi-colored cone flowers also known as echinacea, a medicinal plant that bees and butterflies love as well. They'd brighten up my Turtle Garden near our country home. I also opted for a huge batch of lavender in a pot to enjoy the fragrance.
Next I went to the Sharon Farm Market (after getting much needed fuel in town.) I got a few choice items and made a new friend at the cash register...."Hope your allergies are much improved!" I thought of someone who used to work there who I knew from his childhood days and was surprised to see had grown into a young adult when I saw him on the first day of summer this year, 2018. Then I went to make a call and was in the library for a moment. I saw a notice about a special service for the three teens who'd passed in our area, one of whom was the fine young man who'd worked at the market.
The other two I had connections with briefly, such as at a Pancake Dinner many years back and thinking maybe our kids would be friends in high school, since it's a regional one that draws students from six towns. That was a young woman. Then another young adult fellow was friends with someone I know well and knew was quite hurt by the young man's sudden passing as a passenger in an accident which was also the case for the young woman.
The main time for 'preventing these kinds of accidents' would be Before Getting in a Car with anyone who might not be stable or clear about staying on their own side of the road, especially at a hill top.
That may mean understanding the roads better as well as how one's car handles. With the young woman, likely the other driver was also 'not sure where the middle of the road line was or should have been at the top of a hill. These country roads are often without a clear 'middle of the road' demarcation. The other passenger passed when his friend who was under the influence was driving on a dirt road and their jeep went up an embankment and then rolled. Without a seat belt the passengere was not secure in the car. Maybe that's not always a cause of injury but in this case it put him on life support for a short time
. Same with the young woman being ejected from the car. She did not survive. In the other case it's not clear what caused the young man's car to hit a tree on Route 7 about a mile from the high school he attended. That is not far from my home and I recall hearing a few sirens, likely one which claimed his life. When I do hear a siren I say a prayer and hope that anyone in need may be comforted on an energetic level...along with their family and others knowing people were praying for their loved one.
There have been memorial and funeral services for these wonderful young adults, each who had their special buds at school and in the area as well as being engaged members of the school and wider community. Still the Housatonic Youth Services personnel offered a time to gather on the school grounds for any who felt drawn to do so. I learned of the event right when it was starting and decided to attend that over something else I had planned to be at in Kent (to volunteer for Kent Presents..but this was a present pressing matter.)
So I got to the school and made my way down to the field. The next hour and half was a new experience for the forty or so gathered there, taking time to relax as one staff shared a simple yet helpful guided message about grief being like at sea with waves hitting hard at first upon hearing difficult news and then coming at intervals in ways that one could manage more readily with support and understanding. The families and friends standing in a wide circle were invited to share as they felt led. I was one of the first to share in part to help buy others time as I've taken Toastmasters for a few years and am comfortable with stepping up to share in most settings, knowing it's important to help break the ice and allow people to gather their thoughts.
Having had our late teen son Kaelan at the high school for only his freshman year in 2008-9, I could relate to families finding themselves with a high schooler who was no longer with us in physical form. I shared the idea of focusing on the positive but also realizing it's hard to know what one could have done differently to help prevent such things. I was thinking about big aspects of parenting and even rearing children in one's hometown with that added sense of safety and feeling familiar with the risks so not being caught off guard.
Others gave short talks about their loved ones or the difficulty of facing life without their loved one. Some of the counselors shared that there were more people to talk to now or at other times and that there was no 'one way' to grieve but rather everyone would likely have their own experiences and that may well include ups and downs. I chimed in a few times when the silence would linger. I offered the idea of friends who have sweat lodges and of 'weaving a basket' of care and support. Some of that would acknowledge every person in our circle as part of that communal support, like poles in a teepee. Each person is needed to stay in balance and is counted.
From permaculture I shared that the Turtle Garden is a place to reflect in nature and connect with others as well and invited people to consider coming by as the time seemed right.I gave some of the lavender out to families that I happened to feel I should buy (even though I had some in my garden already, one can never have too much lavender...kind of like caring friends and family.) In addition an exercise I learned in some of the social networking there was one that we did a couple of times, simply going around and sharing a word that was a way to express what we felt or hoped for or later to support the family or say something to our loved ones in spirit. Words of peace, love, hope, hurt, faith, anger and others came through for the first round.
I encouraged and did some simple singing of some of those words and encouraged people to explore that kind of vocalizing or journaling and of course sharing with others as time allowed in the future as well. A few felt the community could do more to prevent having concerns by offering a program of 'Safe Rides' with no questions asked. In one town kids were volunteering to drive others in memory of having had fatalies of friends. Likely many adults who know each other could help promote that kind of service. I also encouraged people to consider having a community meal or gatherings as they felt led to allow others to connect.
The Walk for Life done for cancer victims is one that has been held on that field for raising funds and showing support, with people walking around the track in teams all night long, with luminaries lining the track...hundreds of them, each with a name. Whatever the challenge the idea that people can draw together and create community is key to healing on many levels. Finally I did share that a sense of considering what many psychics share that those in spirit are okay and really want the best for us during our time.
Others shared their ideas along those lines and about having spiritual help from church and friends. I hope everyone who found a way to attend a service for these youth or our son about a month after he passed (and which is on youtube.com in short segments with much music and messages shared, including by one of the rescuers of the lad our son tried to save from dangerous water. Unfortunately they were allowed to go on their last day of school as a special treat by some parents, even though I had asked the parents not to let them go to without safety guides and at a low level. Honoring community and personal safety plan agreements in life, on the road, for outings, when dating and much more is a way to live with the legacy of our loved ones foremost in our hearts. Not necessarily easy but important to help keep more folks safe and prevent what we can in the way of tragedy and loss.
I hope to keep a positive spin on these challenging topics so I hope everybuddy is finding the right balance to plan their lives to get good rest, even sleep and have basic routines and support people to feel connected and guided should one start to get off track. Between the good friends and guiding forces from nature and even the divine, hopefully all can feel at peace to get back on track and be part of a successful shared future. Peace, music, kindness, hope, harmony, safety, care....love and hugs.
We ended the circle time holding hands as we drew closer together and heard of more help from Greenwoods Counseling and were encouraged to find our way through these times to brighter days with support from others and a willingness to ask for help. I hope all of the students and their families as well as others in the community which also has had its losses with various challenges mixed in, get that kind of message and experience for things that have come up recently or need more tending to and healing from the past. With that the future can take on the hopeful prospects of growing in meaningful beYoutoFull ways...all the best and now it's time for this ol' bird to rest.
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Dear Medical Legal &Public Outreach Efforts: More to Consider
I found myself thinking about the opportunity to gather in the public safe space, physically and emotionally for the most part, to honor those who have journeyed on and to show care and support for their families and one another.
It sounded great and was healing in ways that are touching lives more than we can know when people learn of the event happening.
Even the possibility and option to allow for that especially when everything seems regulated to the teeth in our schools and communities, due to liability and prevention of risk or not having the right resources to address matters, even the 'qualifications and criteria' to ask such questions or allow for sharing.
It's the antithesis of something that happened in somewhere in the United States (likely one of many such dicey occurences that goes on under the public's awareness) less than a decade ago.
This matter involves HIPPA (privacy issues for medical and other matters such as who may find out by chance or want to offer help in a timely manner or even after the occurence. Options for the facility for inform everyone on campus that it is a "Non-Interacting, Non-Disclosure Cooperative Facility Indoors and Out" may be of interest. What transpired is a family learned of a young family member's unexpected passing.
The news shook the family and even the medical staff initially and even as the day went on and other matters had to be decided. Possibly considering organ or tissue donation but also just coping with the difficult sudden loss.
Someone who crossed paths with the family members outside of the medical facility but still on the property (on the sidewalk near the parking lot) said hello and happened to learn of their disheartening loss.
The person felt called to offer some emotional support from life experiences, including personal loss, sharing in a faith community's journey that even included a family having that kind of loss and other concerns such as support groups for people with serious illness or who were dying.
Having had trainings to provide some basic emotional support and offer simple ideas to be there for one another and try to stay calm and connect with nature with walks and such throughout the year were some ideas shared.
Some family and friends were showing up and were also quite distraught.
The person was hoping to get more help from the medical facility to let them know how distressed people were but it seemed late in the day and that those who might need to know already knew. At no point did the person say they were representing the facility or other group, only being a caring person.
When wanting to follow up the next day with the facility, the person was informed they had overstepped a boundary of privacy.
Even though the family seemed to want to engage and expressed appreciation for the person's effort and gifting of some books and even flowers to the family (which they circled back to deliver from a local shop that donated them when the concern was shared.)
No names were exchanged other than the person giving them their contact info and that of the local church which could be a helpful resource since the family was from much farther away.
With all that, the person still felt they had not done enough. But the next day the person was told they would not be allowed to attend any group or function offered by the medical facility.
The only terms of being allowed on the grounds would be if the person were assisting someone directly with their appointment or had their own medical need.
The person was not to ever speak to any person on the property, including the parking lot. That was the case for years.
While some officials the person checked with said that was not legal, the facility maintained they had a right to set such a policy and it would be enforced. The civil rights of a person do not pertain to a public place necessarily.
Perhaps it is a case for the ACLU on behalf of this person who intended no harm and which the family never relayed any anger toward, but rather seemed grateful and even caring about that person's losses that were shared.
The difficulty the medical and social work personnel likely factored into the decision to ban the person from the facility.
There should be clear warnings and letters or calls made to any people who seem to be at risk of violating the protocol for visitors and patients at any facility.
Another medical facility hired that person to work part-time in a social capacity. When the person asked if they could have the option of reporting any concerns that might come up in the way of sexual harassment to the employer rather than setting a limit with the aggressor, they were told absolutely not. The person explained their concern of having something escalate with the aggressor if interacting with them even to set a boundary legally.
The employer insisted the law required the victim to set a clarifying clear boundary of not wanting to be spoken to or touched in the way that was deemed a violation Before reporting any subsequent episodes to the employer.
"That has been the law for years and still is!" the person was informed before being summarily fired after that much of the training. That was also valid as either party could end the contract without penalty especially in the first few days but likely even after that.
When reviewing the matter with a high school student, the person heard the same information and that 'we just learned that today in school so she was quite sure that was right.'
The person then checked with someone who worked in the military and that person said "No military policy requires that but rather would be for the victim to report the first offense to their superior officer."
That is a huge national disconnect then between the policy at civilian workplaces and that of the military..and that was also about a decade ago, so Maybe Things Have Changed.
The point of sharing Those Situations is to shed light on the huge 'unknown territory' that we have in the land of the free and the home of the sometimes too brave and uninformed. People can be hurt physically or emotionally, or devastated or upset and confused by a major change in their life circumstances whether in relationships, health, finances or losing someone they love to death with its more recognized sense of a major change and finality of someone's mortality.
The scale of pain from 1 to 10 is not enough to even capture the scope of the kinds of pain and the ways the waves of pain can ripple through a social system, and in part a legal system.
The relatively comprehensible conflict, injury or loss can take on monumental proportions when there is a 'complicated aftermath' involving laws, social systems, cultural or religious mandates or even protocol that one hasn't even heard of or doesn't feel they can comprehend.
Add to That the idea that some want to help but don't know how due to the complexity of a situation, the time and energy it may take, the venues one may need to be involved with and more.
A situation in Brooklyn NY for instance has evolved over the past few years from a man being shot randomly and dying a few days later.
The criminal case is just wrapping up involving a few gang members. In the meantime also the widowed wife decided to have a child with the donation of her late husband which was obtained before he died.
The mix of emotions and life conditions is likely a 'new category of physical, social and emotional' factors that generally would not be occurring. The modern miracle of in vitro alongside the tragic fairly common loss of someone to a stray bullet is not a natural pairing.
The changes in the lives of the victims as well as the aggressors and their families playing out in a public arena are informing huge parts of the society in New York as well as wider circles.
The Carey Gabay Foundation was created by Trenelle Gabay, the devoted wife of Carey Gabay and mother of their healthy son born in June 2018.
Planning ahead for gatherings and outreaches could be something every state and community as well as faith group and advocacy effort takes into consideration.
Emotions can erupt in ways the people in these life events cannot comprehend or anticipate. If someone is prone to mental health stress and difficulty, the harder events or even desirable ones such as getting into a serious relationship or out of one (again willingly and ideally with mutual respect), having a child or having a youth go off to a program or to college or move out or farther away could all be challenging. Extra care and understanding for all parties would be in order.
In some states a person can be required to go for a mental health evaluation if they speak of hurting themselves or others or otherwise seeming in need of an evaluation for concerning symptoms. It's a fine line to determine what may set the stage for an initial evaluation and many laws and factors can come into play or be put into motion to keep a conflict going if that is the interest of one or both parties.
Keeping these kinds of 'realities' and insights in mind when planning events, even funerals and memorial services, weddings or other big events (especially if people are drinking or getting carried away, needing to drive from one location to another--again important to note the effect of alcohol or the stress such as going to funerals or even exciting events like having babies, being at weddings and celebrating graduations and so on.
Groups dynamics are somewhat 'predictable' but likely having some 'go-to support people' such as counselors, relaxation and refreshment stations and so on, even blood sugar pressure and sugar level checking stations might make sense.
For sharing in a more considerate, therapeutic way, maybe smaller group gatherings would make sense initially before larger ones. Having some info about how a person may go through different kinds of feelings or experiences relative to a change or loss would be helpful.
Having a list of feelings, ways to connect with nature and relax, to socialize with a simple meal out or in the home of a friend or family member can bring awareness to what works. More to come soon.
A Memorial Tree for One..is a Memorial Tree for Many..
My guess is most of those in spirit are all about sharing and winking at folks from heaven in a special way... so want to share that our late son Kaelan's tree in front of the science wing of the Housatonic Valley Regional High School was one planted with a short but meaningful gathering in the fall after his passing of June 2009.
I hope those who have lost loved ones, whether students, parents, other relatives or friends, can find some solace and a caring place to reflect knowing there are such memorial trees there and at other schools or special places in memory of youth and adults
. In addition memorial benches or auditoriums if not buildings all speak to remembering those who have walked the earth before us. We have times to recognize our collective grief but likely we could use many more times and ways to allow people to 'be real. Maybe before most public gatherings it would be fine to 'take a few moments' to reflect on the gifts and people in ones live, those here and those who have journeyed on.
Then maybe find another time monthly if not bi-monthly or weekly (such as at faith gatherings if not an online or other communal gathering) to allow people to reflect on their shared sense of loss or change.
Likely more efforts are now online so hopefully more people are finding the help they need. If it's helpful, people may want to look at our son Kaelan Paton's memorial service online which is in short segments and has a little bit of video added of him at the start and near the part where his grandmother Caroline sings (and who on Aug 31st, 2018) turned 86.
Let's keep the legacy of all of our loved ones strong in our heart and trust we are really never apart! That's the message from many who have that second gift such as Mark Anthony and Bill Phillips, Patti Sinclair and many others. Peace, love and light here and beyond!
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