Breaking Through Denial...A Decade At A Time (or Decades at a Time)

Listening to a group meditation on the tonight's program on www.marianne.com (which is up for a another 65 hours or so), she encouraged us to think of the applications of her message to our personal lives and the wider public situations and relationship we are each experiencing. I have been thinking about the last few decades of my own life, and realize 'if I'd known then what I know now' I might have done some things differently. I have heard as much from women in their 70s and 80s...

When they made decisions to be in relationships, even to be in committed relationships and have children when they did was something that seemed not completely of their own choosing. The further back we go, the more likely both men and women and people of any gender likely did not really feel they had much support in making clear choices and ongoing support.

There is not an ongoing discussion but everyone could take time to 'look back over their decades' and glean some insights about what one experienced and what lessons were learned. On a more formal level, what laws, cultural and religious pressures or mandates were factoring into one's thinking and decision-making.

Maybe big decisions were made with very little discussion, no organized team of continual support to be in a serious relationship, get married, have children, live together, move from one's primary residence partially (maybe still have a room or access to one's primary home but be encouraged or told one needed to move out if married or having a child.)

Overall, the options in a community to find a way to nurture all people at whatever age and stage of life they are at, with proper support and access to basics like parking (for one's car or bike, stroller or rides), facilities to use a bathroom, have a place to sit at a table and ideally use basic kitchen facilites (community kitchens or one at a church or simple cafeteria at a hospital or even local store or school--public or private), help with basic clothing and funds to get simple things (food, provisions for hygiene, access to phone and computer, paper and pens, stamps and envelopes, copy machine and basic office help and even funds or banking support--to have loans or gifts, income and other ways to earn credit and barter, give and receive in a generosity and social support circles.) Ideally everyone could find a faith group, library, school and store type supports so one would feel they have help outside of their home and ways to connect with people. 

We are all part of a learning curve and cannot necessarily pass on our wisdom..No one is asking, no one may have time or a way to share what their experiences and insights are. The laws that are needed to carve out a safe space, a clear path and a secure new level of shared consciousness are something we can all basically craft together. That may look like collective safety and dignity, empowerment and support.

On the marianne.com talk a domestic survivor requested Marianne Williamson come speak at her domestic violence non-profit in Harlem NY. She accepted the invite for a date she can make. That was a moving interchange. That's the kind of healing and helping we can all do for one another. Gather a few friends (even online that you know or from trusted organizations) to review what needs tending and mending. 

Ideally more agencies will look carefully about what they know about what victims of domestic abuse face in terms of forms of abuse (emotional, mental, economic, sexual, parental and physical and yes, child abuse as well.) Some Domestic Abuse agencies do not deal with Sexual Abuse. There is not a checklist such as various ways a person may have been pressured (over their lifetime, by one or more people at one time or over their lifetime...)

Questions such as have you had any experience along the following lines, or something similar you can recall. Gather information and just know that piecing the puzzle together may take months or years..but it can be helpful to acknowledge what has occurred and what laws should ethically have been in place or may be created to stem the tide of that kind of abuse and the consequences that typically can follow.

Often someone violating another will deny and lie about having done so and may result in blaming, shaming or name-calling the victim to deflect responsibility for the harm. With the proposed US House Resolution 72, a security blanket of protection would be extended across the nation to protect victims of abuse from losing custody of their child or children if there is a custody dispute.

The Course In Miracles is described by Marianne, and a five minute morning meditation. It can be helpful for 15-20 minutes (before taking more information into one's mind after waking up and maybe before even getting out of bed.) There is more to explore along these lines, but new information about allowing abuse victims more support to report violations legally (taking away statutes of limitation of sexual abuse even in marriages) is being discussed.

That would mean if someone suffered that, to protect their children, the victim should have custody of their child or children (now if not able to achieve that initially.) There is a heavy bias against females in the courts when it comes to custody and many other aspects of abuse. The kind of repair that needs to happen requires new energy and possibly younger people taking the lead. Many people over 50 years of age had never heard of the terms 'abuse, violation, illegal activity in one's home or relationship.' The laws used to stop at the realm of the personal, and still have many ways they are not applied for various reasons.

The primary aggressor laws are aiming to track a pattern of control and power by a perpetrator over a victim, but they are not readily learned and implemented by law enforcement and other agencies and the public in general. There is a lot of Talking and Explaining to do, yet many people are more apt to Shut Others Down or frankly tell them to Shut Up.

This is likely a way of abiding by 'unwritten codes' from one's childhood..that children (and women and activists) should be seen and Not Heart, Not Acknowledged, Not Publicly Supported. That means most people over 50 who are in Leadership Positions are basically Not Interested in the younger generations concerns around relationships, fairness, stress and anything 'complicated' such as finance, laws, or ways to make their lives work.

Most had to go it alone or maybe had it easy enough so they 'don't get what the big deal is' about pretty much, Anything. There are 12-step programs, which again likely need major make-overs to primarily be for women or men but not mixed without special conditions (maybe those who are sober for a few years, but likely even then the point of having the focus in separate groups would likely be practical and more effective.) 

Everyone would likely be wise to have a support person when going to such groups and even to counseling. I'll wrap up on this for now, but wanted to make note of basics such as getting a thorough history of one's physical and social health and life history (where one lived, who raised one, any mental illness or substance abuse, propensity for diabetes or other challenges, Adverse Childhood Experiences--ACEs) and basically an understanding of anyone in one's close circles or someone one is having a dating, mating or parenting relationship with or living with even a housemates.

Ideally not being rushed into making any serious decisions with money, intimacy, living together, going into business (or getting out of it), getting married, adopting or having a child, moving and so one would be something our states and country would discuss with some basic parameters.

Having MOUs, Memorandums of Understanding or Agreements in writing after looking up ideas on the internet and talking points over not only with one's partner but with some other neutral, wise support people and others as desired over the course of a few months, with weekly meetings or updates.

The same kind of care for anyone helping with childcare, elder care or other aspects of one's life could be reviewed regularly after proper background checks and ongoing monitoring and keeping of written records after a formal contract or Legal Caregiver Agreement as reviewed with the proper legal or professional consults and basic research online with state and federal laws. That may include for elder care understanding what implications that would mean for Title 19 or Medicaid spend down procedures.

While everything is in flux regarding laws in each state, ideally more people can find ways to share the wisdom. There are many factors for each person, set of people and more public groups to learn so there is a shared understanding about any person's situation. Often voluntary agreements and supports from others to ease the burden of a difficult situation can make a world of difference.

Finding ways to proceed through a few weeks and months at a time can be helpful rather than having to make sudden big moves with less information and support. If someone has had a major crisis or accident, there may be great value to having a team of support to process the many factors that may have played into the unfolding of events. If people have an accident or fatality at a workplace, a thorough investigation and report is done. That is not the case for many things that happen in private or even public places.

Each person, the one who is hurt or dies, as well as their families and many of the people involved directly or indirectly not only during the event but in the weeks if not months and years prior may have factored into the turn of events. Much of it may not be obvious, but it should all be written down with date and time, who is sharing (whether publicly in a newspaper or privately with permission for some insights to be shared.)

If a person goes missing for instance, treat the home or last place the person was seen (if not both) as a crime scene voluntarily. It may not be clear at first if a crime were committed, but ideally a place would be preserved in case that is a concern for the family or investigators. That may be particularly true for any elder or mentally unstable person who may be prone to wandering (even if they have not done so regularly.) In addition if a person drowns, trying to save someone or otherwise, everyone should be interviewed by police or other investigators to get a clear picture of the many factors that may be pertinent. If the people are minors, their biological and legal caregivers should be interviewed.

A new standard of care that would stress the role and legality of supervising youth would be shared across the country if not beyond online and in other countries to deter unsafe activities and outings, particularly without clear written permission from both parents and would be in keeping with local statutes and appropriate supervision.

Schools, faith groups, scouts, domestic abuse, and other advocates in the mental health and legal fields (particularly social services, child protective services, criminal and civil court, custody matters and all social, athletic and recreational groups) would be clear about full disclosures as to the risks and liabilities of anyone engaging in a high-risk activity or going to a dangerous place. Unless there is clear permission to do so with proper authorities and consent, the answer would be No, Don't Go! The idea of taking minors on vacation or even day trips without clear written permission (such as is needed to cross into Canada from the US) from both one and ideally both parents would be another good standard. The overall idea of treating the children and minors of other parents the way you would want your children and minors (and you as a parent or adult in charge) is a good idea to promote far and wide.

In addition, everyone could seek to inform a trusted person if not leave a note at home as to one's wherabouts and estimated time of return or arrival at another location. Informing a person of one's travel route and any concerns about weather, one's car or situation also makes sense. Having a charged portable phone when travelling is a big plus to promote. Having a track phone in case one's regular phone is not available (or having Skype on one's computer for a back up phone option, which does cost a few dollars monthly to use one's computer if calling land lines but is free if using to talk to someone on their computer on Skype) all makes sense. Getting more people familiar with such back up systems and using them from time to time makes sense.

Of course other safety tips for home or car could be reviewed on a website or with other national 'let's double check our networking locally and online' curriculum. Many people enjoy doing something when they know others are pushing to do so (kind of like getting one's taxes filed well before Aprile 15th if possible or filing for an extention with an estimated payment...) Okay so that's plenty for now but the hope that hundreds will take this post and run with it is right up there with people tuning into Marianne for President's optimism that we can turn our country in a caring direction. She is offering bi-monthly calls to help us do just that in addition to her ongong work on Tuesday evenings (which streams for an added 72 hours.) Sweet Dreamin' Big for a Better World and Secure Life for yourself and others.