"Stay in One's Bubble to Stay O-U-T of Trouble!" as in Walk Away and Don't Insist on Your Own Way

This post was written before a showman lost his job over saying a certain woman of great renown looked like an ape actor...well, aren't we all related to primates on a certain level, and why not have such limits spelled out in one's contract? Better yet, why not ban most live TV from being AIRED immediately..make it someone's job to Bleep Out what is illegal especially when a program could likely go that way. Am I saying something NEW?

I don't think so and  I hope not. I have known people who want to shut off someone and do so by covering their ears, and saying loudly, "I Can't Hear You, I Can't Hear You" repeatedly and as often as needed even if that person tries to explain, which this whole article would recommend doing only in writing to Oneself and sharing with an advocate Rather than the person who refuses to listen.

 If I were the person criticized, I think I would want the person to keep their job as a sign of the few remaining freedoms of speech our country has, particularly in light of the killings in France over satirist cartoons which truly were degrading the subject. Still, that was not a nice thing to say out loud even if he thought it and did not mean it in a derogatory way but was saying something to keep a satire going...Not to justify him saying it publicly but to question whether he knew he couldn't or shouldn't and whether our country allows for such comments in the name of freedom of speech (basically, there's hardly any left in many segments of our society and social circles so more youth should be taught this to be practical.)

 Part of being a 'famous person' is being 'an open target' for jokes of all kinds. From 'roasts' which playfully but publicly depict a person in various 'compromising' situations to more fun and games, learning to laugh at ourselves or the ways other people paint portaits of people, places and things need to be taken (and left) at face value.

As I shared with my kids, more consumers of media could say, "I am rubber, you are glue, whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks to you/" These are the basics of dealing with bullying, abuse and many other difficulties (rumors and people ostracizing one or more people in a group, a town and even state, part of a country or entire country.

Of course, now that we realize every domain can have their own rules to go by, such as not allowing women to speak from a church pulpit if that group feels 'a man is the spiritual head of a woman and therefore of a congregation....and to show respect for that God-given role, women need to be in submissive, respectful social roles including not speaking from pulpit (yes, an actual case debated in one church recently but often a point of debate if not division in entire denominations such as the Catholic Church ever considering women could be priests, whereas the case for both women and gay men to be able to be priests in the Episcopal, and some Congregational Churches (and likely many others) is now the case.

The other tip would be to stay in 'one's thought bubble' and 'not on live TV bubble' for anyone prone to speak their minds. In the case of Michael Brown's parents being interviewed live, I would hope that was pre-recorded and reviewed by them but also by their attorney and even a socially supportive group of friends and experts. What Michael Brown's mother said about Darren Wilson maybe waking up 'wanting to hurt someone that day' damaged my opinion of her more than of him, given the lack of evidence that he had not followed his training.

That said, I had imagined much of what had come to transpire in terms of getting police to have a New Kind Of Training in terms of calling in for back-up and being more considerate of who they are dealing with in terms of how they address them as well as how directly involved they engage with them when there are concerns if they do not have back-up. If there is a significant difference in size and not much distance, the main point would be to back away from a potentially dangerous person.

Rudeness in tone of voice and gestures could be the warning sign more people heed. Even being 'outnumbered' or addressed in a sudden or questionable manner without others around to reach out to would be grounds to 'back away' and 'get away', to get some water or do an errand or make a call. Women generally need to think like this even when walking down a street.

Sadly, my own elderly mother was enjoying a stroll down a Hartford CT street around 1985 eating an icecream with her large handbag in her hand when someone actually stole her purse from her. She was not a fancy lady, but short and heavy, so someone likely was desperate or saw her as an easy target. That is unfortunately the way more people both men and women and of course children are going to have to learn to 'go out in the world'...on the defensive.

The same holds true for driving on roads when we now know many are under the influence of beer, pot, and too often harder drugs as well not to mention stress or disregard for others just because people live in more isolated ways with an endless list of things they want or need to get to so often save time by speeding and talking or texting on cell phones.

But those are things at least more states are debating. Rather than keep making limits on how much one can do wrong before breaking the law, more of us could promote (and try to follow) a reasonable, calm sense of  living, learning, loving and even leaving others short-term for a time-out or longer for a day or more (depending on the relationship and to break a pattern of escalating or confusing conflict).

Taking a few deep breaths, counting to ten, finding a friend to process concerns with are all important steps toward gaining more inner peace and calm. People can have a goal of wanting to Respond rather than to react in a hostile or demanding manner, such as promoted on www.avpusa.org and many free online resources such as at www.healhtyplace.com

Now back to the post I wrote the other day before poor Michelle but also more remorseful and pained satirical commentator lost his job for speaking before thinking through what whizzed through his thought bubble and caused a lot of trouble (yet hopefully will prevent more as a wake-up call to US-All). When one teenage white girl was trying to get the names of a bunch of new black friends straight and would make mistakes, one said, "All of us black kids look the same to you, don't we?" She wanted to clearly say no, but they wanted honesty (this was in the late 1970s). When she was late getting to work once, a black teen who happened to be from Bridgeport heard she was late because she locked herself out of her house.

He assured her he would have been able to get in readily had she asked. The laughter which followed these exchanges, along with one where she had to learn that when a black dancer friend said she had some "bad" moves that was a compliment (the badder, the better...as in wicked bad or killer as a drummer friend, who happens to be white, uses to compliment his students when they get a beat down.)

That same teen girl however learned never to use the school bathroom where she could be readily cornered by others of color or not and who would be the Butt of their Jokes even for needing to use the bathroom. Sad but true..and a teacher did get shot done day by a gang member who had promised to even the score with him someday, which he did four years later (that was Wilbur Cross in 1978). Maybe I'll google that...

The point is language in its various contexts and meanings is something we could all be thinking of...and yes, a lot of stuff may have to be rephrased or not said out loud. That's where the the rubber meets the road...and even these posts would not be allowed in some countries, so who knows how long I'll keep this up with my real name. I meant to only use a pseudonym yet with my son's passing and his name being in the media with a distinctive message I felt should be heard so more could really take the time he didn't have to Think Things Through About What They Decide To Do Moment-to-Moment and to Honor the Gift of LIFE (with the eternity of IFs in the middle of that word which could help people rethink and re-imagine even their pasts which likely are factoring heavily into their present and future life plans...how Would We each like to be Treated (clue;not Tricked).

We all start as babies, innocent new beings on the block (those of us whose mothers kept the pregnancies that is..and who had the good care to develop in the womb and in the first few years of life when so much happens both physically and mentally which impacts us in profound ways for many years and even decades to come).

The more we can shine a light on the Big Picture of how amazing it is to be human and in a society that can help us thrive, the sooner the new choices for civility and good clean fun can emerge and catch on as the New Cool way to be. I think Kaelan would chuckle at that notion and hope folks would lean toward eating less meat and getting more exercise out in nature just to help balance the equation and enjoy the earth we are all privilged to call home during our life span (and maybe return to for more growth in our heart area as well as other skill sets).

Thanks for letting me wax poetic..and a history of musicals on TV I saw recently recounted the great contribution the Jewish producers made to the American art scene..with Fiddler on the Roof opening the door for more people to find ways to tell stories about a certain ethnic issue or time in history which could speak to a universal theme of shared humanity. The show Cabaret and the song that depicts the humiliation Hitler put the Jews through was reflected back in the songs including a line where an ape was dressed as a woman and said, "She hardly looks Jewish at all" was meant to show Hitlers stupidity and the way he degraded humans. At first, the audience felt that the satire was saying that Jews looked like apes and they did not keep that in or perform it out of respect for how their audience took it.

Then in the 1970s, when more had been done along those lines and time had healed sensitivities, the original line and act was played with a sense of humiliating Hitler and his views as originally intended. Shows like Le Cage Aux Folles helped the transgender community issues be acknowledged, and other shows even such as The Laramie Project put on stage for all to see and reflect on the views of different people and philosophies so people can wrestle with their own feelings and beliefs more publicly, even if done moreso in private and over decades with marches and laws catching up  as 'the will of the democratic people' is expressed. What actually happens in a mix of local and state cultures, and of cours plenty plays out in families and various home settings. Trying to learn the art of debate and thinking things through can take decades, so it is valuable to review the past, and how the same person, family or area, has come to view issues in various ways over time, perhaps for significant reasons based on spiritual or ethical beliefs and as well as practical fears or worries.

Maybe there are cycles (or circles) of thought that blow about like  sage brush over the desert. Until one has thought of things from many different perspectives,  many things may seem 'cut and dry, and set in stone'. Underneath the policies and options could be a more flexible acceptance of our human condition and the theories of who we are spiritally, energetically over time in our life, and socially as may be shaped by our communities and interests as well as inner motivations for expression and connecting with others and the world. A tall agenda, but we're here and have to find ways to get along with not only many other people from a growing global community but with ourselves. One helpful question could be 'What if I Didn't Feel  or Believe that Way" about a person, an action, a situation (past, present or future), how might my views shift? How can I have some accountability for what I am basing my opinions on (is there written evidence to show budgets are maintained as in bank statements and receipts, time cards or other ways of measuring how much time or effort someone is putting into a chore or job, can there be written agreements about living together, communicating about matters in a notebook or online rather than only though talking on the phone or in person?

Whose job is it to help everyone understand the usefulness of various options but the key to having both parties in agreement about the mode of communication (including timing, frequency, topics, people involved in the discussion or mentioned, etc) Much of business is based on Excluding Factors rather than agreeing to a more open kind of dialogue (in writing or on the phone, etc, with a third party listening in or actually moderating with some support or more guidance.These are the kinds of issues that come up in Mediation (particulary www.transformativemediation.org and other forms such as Facilitative Mediation, both of which I've had trainings in and would hope more peope in any kind of legal matter could find ways to learn about to assist them through even difficult litigations or legal matters if there is room for some easier ways to resolve differences.

Key to check first however for any issues related to relationships is www.barrygoldstein.net who is a premier advocate in the country to keep people safe and informed during custody and divorce issues...and even if people are having a difficult time or DOOs differences of opinion regarding the way to care for someone, even themselves, there could be food for thought in terms of de-escalating a situation with less time together or more supervised time with others weighing in as a kind of counseling over a period of weeks and months so things can be appreciably improved over time rather than left untended. "What needs tending in your life?" One kind woman told me she encourages people to consider and that's one way she guides her life.

She had special needs but had a life of ups and downs, so this question would be one to reflect on wherver one is in life..and to keep a journal (assuming it's safe to do so and can be kept privately but also possibly for practicality, e-mail ideas to oneself, call one's own google voice number which records calls online and again, find a trusty friend to help you process whatever it is you are going through and get help as you can with health insurance for counseling (but there is a lot for free online and on hotlines where you can use a fake name and also be careful what you share about children witnessing violences since that would trigger a  report to CPS (child protective services) which may or may not be beneficial so learn how the systems work --even the hospitals etc--before using them and thinking you have the final say over what treatment someone gets (including psych meds if someone is deemed in need of them by a doctor, especially if a minor but even a parent could be viewed as non-compliant and have visitation limited or supervised only if all that was determined during a custody or other kind of intervention. Cover basics and see what you qualify for food stamps. transitional help (mostly for those with children or those with disabilities but maybe others too short-term usually). Now back to the idea of watch what you say, and do...

While the rules and regs vary in many settings, in terms of daily life and even counting the realm of family, friends and mingling with the public, we likely could all benefit from reviewing the 'best practices' or as the case may be the terms of 'zero tolerance' of raising concern when interacting with others. There are many levels to consider but let's start with some 'body basics'. These are key to keep in mind even when in one's own home, kitchen, family room or bedroom.

Private as one's Home may be, the New Laws for Personal Safety and not Abusing or Violating Others (even oneself) trump personal property rights. Take Fred for instance, coming home and not just wanting Wilma to put  dinner on the table, he complains when she's moved his favorite flashlight off of his desk and has it in her hands when he comes in. He tells her to give it to him and expects immediate compliance. When she starts to say she was going to use it for a minute, he still insists she should give it to him then and there and reaches quickly to get it back. 

"Let it go, it's mine and I always want you to ask me. It's been lost too many times and I don't want to have to spend a lot to get a new one." She then explains she can't let go because he has grabbed her fingers and she doesn't want to get hurt pulling away from the flashlight or drop it which could damage it, so could he please let go and then she'd give it to him. With another moment's hold, he then lets go and she hands it to him. He puts it back on his desk and asks what she wanted it for. "I needed to see where in the china cabinet you put The special Safety Tip and Manners Plates you wanted us to use for our Friday Family Dinners so the the kids could learn our house rules since we're having a party next month and you wanted them to have plenty of time to practice."

Since caveman days there likely have been times when people have learned to share things, space and even handle things physically with cooperation when something came up in terms of who had the final call about what should be done in a certain situation (or 'itchuation at the case may be if there's a problem pile-up...a lot of little things factoring in to create a wham-bang moment of conflict). Whose cave is it anyway (or castle as one may like to think of one's abode?) When people are sharing a space some generosity is usually extended to guests who may not know The House Rules--where things go, who does what, who can use which things and how they are to be returned promptly.

And now with modern society allowing more people to live together, share housing short-term or longer, care for each other's children, pets and errands, how does one clarify the details? Are there some key ones to keep in mind? Not touching another person in a conflict situation would be very high on the list, particularly if in a school classroom even between students. Some schools will call the police if there is any question of an unfriendly action (and are mandated to do so for racial slurs, any episode of physical assault and any kind of threat--even something written on a bathroom wall such as a bomb threat.

While that may have been a moot point in the past, since the CT school tragedy resulting in the loss of many lives and an array of episodes in stores, a movie theatre in Aurora CO, and even in churches historically or cults, the new tactic is one of prevention and early intervention. You can't even say, "I can't say the words bomb, kill, suicide, or any array of 'trigger words' without someone likely having to investigate the context. I found a paper about  five years ago as a substitute at a school which mentioned some very violent things. I showed it to a regular staff person, and they just shrugged their shoulders. Likely that would not be the case today.

But back to one's cave, whether man cave, woman cave, kid cave or family cave..what ARE the rules in terms of interacting with others? While we could mention this on paper grocery bags or free flyers no one does, and too many find out the hard way that one or more person's Broke the Law (and got caught--which is another story to consider, but for now, getting a common idea of What's Illegal and Unsafe would suffice for this post.) And that would be anything that causes fear or danger to oneself or another person in terms of bodily harm (restraining, controlling another's bodily position--making someone move by ordering them or pulling them their by their wrist or shoving them, etc).

Even simple interactions of a hostile or insistent manner could be crossing the line of people's personal space. It does not matter who the people are if both 'old enough to realize something is not fair' (such as teens, kids or adults and yes, mainly this involves adults, but plenty of kids will be learning these criteria at school, so may feel more entitled to call the police to assess their 'family fight among adults or teens or older kids'. Yelling counts as disorderly conduct, done in a way that bothers one or more people and particularly if there are kids in the home. Ideally no one should have to yell if others were willing to listen and be polite or read letters or posters of 'house rules' and be referred to them accordingly.

Again there is a lot of variation among states and different kinds of settings, but more places are becoming 'more restrictive' and proactive about setting rules and insisting on compliance the first time. Youth as young as six have had police come to the school and even arrested. Often there are ways to work things out in court, but too many parents forfeit their rights for representation of their children, thinking there will not be much consequence. There are documentaries (such as Kids for Sale) showing youth do not even have to really do anything sometimes to have an allegation made and followed through with jail time! Kids are not the only ones learning the hard way. Parents are not far behind, and often it is one parent calling on the other.

If a woman reports, she likely needs help (and more than she's ever given since it generally backfires for her with her partner getting off easy then put on stricter terms for living together or parenting their children. If a man reports, he likely is using the system to intimidate his partner. He likely is unwilling to go to a 6-week program to learn to manage his beliefs and feelings of entitlement. Many parents need this as well in terms of how they 'parent' their children. Both parties in any conflict are human and have inalienable rights. People fortunate enough to have their own living space can forget they are still part of America (or other country) and make up new terms to fit their lifestyle.. whether all are in agreement or not. Just Thinking about this stuff can make many feel they are going insane (because it does seem to take a lot of new skill sets to tune into feelings and ideas and be honest, self-aware, and accountable to others not only the victim. If one is 'lucky enough' to have a victim who can inform one of the wrongdoing as s/he experiences it, then one could have a good path to review in terms of 'examining and decoding what one's patterns are'. However, that should be done with a counselor. It's very unlikely a victim can coach their partner/ abuser (depending on how far off base and for how long thing have been awry).

In schools, a person who is harmed is not allowed to fight back with equal force necessarily, if a school has a zero tolerance policy, which most do. The victim is supposed to get away (blocking a punch is okay and curling up) but ideally not fight back. Both can be arrested (and expelled or punished by the school and court) if they engage even defensively. This is key to check at any program one is involved with as a youth or adult. More later, but ponder finding ways to signal to others 'time out' and walk away...

tay in Your Bubble to Stay Out of Trouble is something all kids can learn along with adults. Use words to ask or answer, don't grab for things, slam doors or throw anything (that can be called a projectile missile even if it misses a person and land a person in jail up to a year in CT I heard someone say). Again, 'look before you leap and keep up with sleep, eating, support, childcare, rides and good food..to bring your A-Game to Each Day and Restart Each day with that Approach!)